Day: April 7, 2022

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[INTRO]

MORAPHINE: Radioactive Skittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price.

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: In light of the recent close call, any second thoughts about continuing on this warpath?  Sure.  When Carl first declared a turf war we thought, ‘well fuck him, he was so over like three years ago and now we run this city so what’s the little ass wipe going to do. As it turns out, Carl’s a passive-aggressive little bitch who can’t take a joke.  Honestly, landing him in police sights by paying a teenybopper to falsely incriminate him by pretending to return baggies of glitter coke with his old bar’s logo printed on acid tabs glued to the front of them was mean, but he’s got to admit it was hilarious.  Now what he did to us, sending us on a false errand to deliver drugs to the home of an officer whose security measure involves a loud beeping anti-package pirate scale and a big scary collie dog named Flower was not so funny.  So now we’re thinking along the lines of–

HERA WYNN: –fuck him if he can’t take a joke.

MORAPHINE: If Carl’s refusing to roll over and submit–

ALICE DEE: He’s left us no choice but to take him out before he does us in.  How?  We’re currently sifting through our options.

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – NIGHT

[WE HEAR CHIMES GENTLY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Welcome to my sacred space, join my circle.  I have Ms. Power Puff packed with my special blend of Chemical x and brain food at the ready.  Let’s begin.

ALICE DEE: Uh, Hera, can we trade cushions?  This one’s lumpy.

HERA WYNN: Then why would I want it?

ALICE DEE: The pink one’s yours, Moraphine’s is green, and the blue one is mine.

MORAPHINE: She’s right.  You’re offsetting the balance.

HERA WYNN: (BEGRUDGINGLY) Fine.

ALICE DEE: Umm, I also wanted that spot.  

HERA WYNN: Here you go.

[THWACK! HERA STRIKES ALICE WITH THE PILLOW.]

ALICE DEE: Oww-ah, you hit me in the face with the pillow on purpose.

HERA WYNN: Prove it.

ALICE DEE: So was that a no to switching spots…?

HERA WYNN: Yes, that was a fucking no.

ALICE DEE: I was just asking, God.

MORAPHINE: You know, I think I’ll start us off with some crystal bowl jams for ambiance —

[WE HEAR MORAPHINE’S PHONE TYPING.]

[A CRYSTAL BOWL PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND REPLACING THE CHIMES.]

MORAPHINE: –to aid us in ushering in the flow of positive energies within this space while dispelling any negative energies…

ALICE DEE: I don’t think it’s working, Hera Wynn’s still here.

[HERA LETS OUT A SOFT GROWL.]

MORAPHINE: And to help us empty our minds…

HERA WYNN: Tell me Alice Dee, when my mind totally empties, should I expect to hear more of a ringing or more like an echo?

MORAPHINE: So that we may fill them with the energy of creative thinking.  Now let’s begin.  Lighter, please.

[WE HEAR THE BONG BEING LIT, RIPPED, AND MORAPHINE’S EXHALE THEN COUGH.]

MORAPHINE: Any ideas on how we go about taking out Carl?

HERA WYNN: I know.  Why don’t we kidnap his men and beat them up?

ALICE DEE: I like it. For what?

HERA WYNN: For fun, and so that we can get them to reveal what Carl has planned for us.  I say we have the Groupies jump two of his men and drop them off at the farm.

FARM – NIGHT

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, CRICKETS AND FLUORESCENT LIGHTS CONTINUE IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[SOUND OF MUFFLED CRIES.]

HERA WYNN: I suggest you stop crying and start answering our questions before my benevolence sours.  What is Carl up to?!

[SOUND OF SLAP AND GROAN.]

[MUFFLED CRIES CONTINUE.]

MORAPHINE: You’re going to have to tell us eventually, though if I were you I would start before we turn on the Industrial Bread Mixer.  We’re not sure what exactly the blender will do to your hands, but a good guess after skimming the instruction manual’s list of warnings is that it won’t be pleasant.

ALICE DEE: For God’s sakes, that one passed out again.  What a baby, I accidentally broke his pinky when I tripped over him in his over-turned chair when plugging in the mixer into the extension cord.  I said I was sorry.  This shed is too damn cramped. Wakey, wakey.

[SOUND OF SLAP.]

HERA WYNN: Leave him, we’ll play with the other one.

[WE HEAR SCREAMING.]

[SOUND OF BREAD MIXER STARTING THEN PITCH RISING CARRYING US OVER INTO CHIMES ABRUPTLY STOPPING THEN THE SOUND OF THE SINGING BOWL.]

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

[CRYSTAL BOWL CONTINUOUS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Problem.  I don’t think we would need all of the theatrics when we could get them to talk under a minute under threat of bodily harm.

ALICE DEE: (RIPS FROM THE BONG… COUGHS) Also, after we figure out his plan what would we do then?  We set them free, they tell Carl.  We keep them, we tip him off.  Then there’s the whole feeding and watering them.

MORAPHINE: It’d be a whole thing. 

ALICE DEE: And I’m not really into the whole idea of sharing this bag of cheesy puffs with anyone else.

[HERA TAKES A HIT FROM THE BONG.]

HERA WYNN: (CHOKING ON SMOKE) We have cheesies?  I want.

[SOUND OF BAG RIPPING OPEN.]

[CRUNCH. MUNCHING CONTINOUS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: What we need to do is think more along the lines of destroying his street cred.  Think about it, we destroyed his credibility in the eyes of the Oly community ensuring he would no longer be able to deal in clubs and bars.  Now, all we have to do is make it impossible for him to show his face on the streets, therefore putting him out of business.  Suggestions?

ALICE DEE: Don’t stores usually do like, that big final sale where they markdown all the prices because they’re closing their store for good.  (HERA WYNN TAKES ANOTHER HIT IN THE BACKGROUND) It’s called uh… well, you know.

HERA WYNN: (EXHALING SMOKE) No, we don’t know. 

ALICE DEE: You know.

MORAPHINE: No, we really don’t know. 

ALICE DEE: The sale it’s like… (SIGH) Okay, you know how you dip that wand thingy in that plastic thingy filled with soap, right?

MORAPHINE: You mean the bottle.

ALICE DEE: Yeah, yeah, and then you like take out the wand thingy and you blow out and then it makes bubbles.  Bubble sale.  (HERA WYNN TAKES ANOTHER HIT IN THE BACKGROUND) We should get bubbles.

HERA WYNN: Bubble sale? 

MORAPHINE: Oh, you mean a blowout sale!

ALICE DEE: Yes!  You blow– (INHALING WE HEAR A BONG BEING RIPPED) (EXHALE) out.  A blowout.

HERA WYNN: I might be high, but that was one hell of a bunny trail you lead us on, Alice.

ALICE DEE: (ALICE RIPS FROM THE BONG THEN EXHALES) Check out my smoke ring!  No!  Don’t poke it, Hera.  Aww.

HERA WYNN: (EVIL LAUGHTER) Heh, heh, heh.

MORAPHINE: So… how exactly would we get him to throw a blowout sale?

ALICE DEE: We don’t.  We can throw one for him once we steal his phones and send out a mass message to all his contacts.

MORAPHINE: You know, there has been a string of phone thefts over by the transit center, what’s one more?

ALICE DEE: Exactly.  Let me paint the picture–

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[WE HEAR THE TRANSIT CENTER CONTINUOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

ALICE DEE: Carl has just approached the transit center.  Earbuds are in, coffee cup is in hand, the phone is in his pocket.

MORAPHINE: Right on time for the morning commute.

ALICE DEE: He’s walked up to his bus stop, he’s sitting down at the bench.  He’s pulling out his phone… He’s setting it on his knee… He’s sticking the coffee cup between his legs…

HERA WYNN: Kill the play-by-place, Alice, we are literally seeing everything you’re seeing.

MORAPHINE: And now he’s glued to his screen.  His biggest vice will be his device.

HERA WYNN: You would think with the recent robberies that have been plaguing commuters he would really consider being more aware of his surroundings.

ALICE DEE: Yeah, like he would have noticed us seated on the bench behind the bushes or even Mark approaching on the left.

MORAPHINE: Mark’s coming in fast!

ALICE DEE: Mark’s snatched the phone and he’s running!

CARL: (ANGRY) The fuck?!

HERA WYNN: Carl just sprung up in chase!

[CARL CRIES OUT IN PAIN AND FURY!]

CARL: (PANICKING) H-hot!  Hot! Hot!

HERA/ALICE/MORA: Ooh!

MORAPHINE: Coffee to the crotch!  If his balls didn’t shrink before they did now.

CARL: (SHOUTING) Are you fucking kidding me?!  You are dead!  You don’t know who the fuck you just messed with!

[HERA LAUGHS.]

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – NIGHT

[CRYSTAL BOWL AND SOUNDS OF SNACKING  CONTINOUS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: (HOLDING IN SMOKE) Hold up!  Hold up!   (COUGHING) I like where this scheme is going, but how will Mark know if he’s grabbing Carls’ personal phone or his burner within that minute window between passing and phone snatching?

ALICE DEE: Good point.

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[WE HEAR THE TRANSIT CENTER CONTINUOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND AND THE SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

HERA WYNN: Okay, the second phone’s coming out!

ALICE DEE: Wow, Carl really doesn’t learn.  If he wasn’t too busy rage texting his friends he would have noticed Mark just circled back around and is coming back for…

CARL: (SHOUTING) Dude?!  Again?!  Do you know who I am?!

MORAPHINE: (LAUGHING) Yeah, the guy with no phones.

CARL: Motherfucker!  You are dead!  You hear me?!  You.  Are.  Dead!

HERA WYNN: Ha, Ha. Good show, let’s go meet up with Mark at Sylvester Park.

CARL: (DISTANCE) Son of a bitch!

SYLVESTER PARK – DAY

[PARK SOUNDS, BIRDS AND LIGHT RAIN.]

[WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A BIKE BELL NEARBY AND WHOSE RIDING THE BIKE BUT…]

CONSCIOUS: Yo!  Ice cream, get some.

HERA WYNN: Well I see Conscious is enjoying her new trike.\

MORAPHINE: Hmm, I wonder if she has any ice cream sandwiches?

ALICE DEE: Ooh.  Wait, no.  Frozen dairy later.  Mark’s waiting for us under the gazebo!

MORAPHINE: Hey, Mark, great work out there!

MARK: Glad to be of service.

ALICE DEE: Phones, please.  Thank you.

MORAPHINE: Here’s your cut.

[SOUND OF CASH BEING HANDED OVER.]

MARK: Sweet.  Anything else?

HERA WYNN: That’d be all.  (PAUSE)…(DISMISSIVE) You can go now.

MARK: Oh, uh, okay. I think I’ll go for a run.  See ya.

ALICE DEE: Bye!  Mora, take the other phone.

MORAPHINE: Groovy, my very own nuclear launch key.

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – NIGHT

[CRYSTAL BOWL  CONTINOUS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOUNDS OF MUNCHING IS ALSO HEARD.]

[SOUND OF MORAPHINE RIPPING FROM A BONG IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Wait, wait, wait why does Mora also need a phone if we’ll have all we need on the burner?

MORAPHINE: (COUGHING) To inform Carl’s mommy and his relatives what a naughty boy he is.  Who knows, he might have a beef with one of his cousins and they might want to turn him in.  Alice, please continue leading us on our group-guided visualization journey.

SYLVESTER PARK – DAY

[PARK SOUNDS, BIRDS AND LIGHT RAIN.]

ALICE DEE: Now commencing mass messaging.  Big D’s Blow-Out Sale!  Everything sixty percent off!

[SOUND OF TYPING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Why stop at sixty?

MORAPHINE: ‘Cause, it’s more believable than seventy.

ALICE DEE: I think we could get away with an extra ten percent off their entire purchase for online sales.

MORAPHINE: As it was asked, so shall it be.

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – NIGHT

[SOUND OF CHIMES ABRUPTLY STOPS THEN CRYSTAL BOWL CONTINUOUS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[SOUND OF MUNCHING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Wait?!  Online sales?  How would we manage to hack into his website?

ALICE DEE: No need.  We lie.  No online sales plus mad customers equal no customers plus sad Carl.

HERA WYNN: (HIGH AND AMUSED) I’m confused but I like sad Carl so carry on, Alice.  

SYLVESTER PARK – DAY

[PARK SOUNDS, BIRDS AND LIGHT RAIN.]

[SOUND OF EVIL LAUGHTER…]

HERA WYNN: How about throwing in a buy-one-get-one with a purchase of glow blow.

[SOUND OF TYPING.]

ALICE DEE: Ideas on the promo code? 

HERA WYNN: Blow me.

ALICE DEE: Well, damn, I was just asking a question sicko.

HERA WYNN: And I was just answering your freaking question.  The promo code should be: Blow Me.

ALICE DEE: Oh.  Good one!

HERA WYNN: Bite me.

[SOUND OF TYPING CONTINUES.]

ALICE DEE: No, I think we’re good with ‘blow me.’

HERA WYNN: Okay.  To be sure, you don’t think Carl’s little band of fuckwits will question a generous, albeit, outrageous sale?

ALICE DEE: They might, but they won’t be able to get a hold of Carl to confirm and they’ll be either forced to fulfill the promise or piss off customers.

MORAPHINE: Plus, with their phones blowing up Carl won’t be able to get a hold of them either.  By the time the glitter dust clears, there’s no way he’ll be able to recover the losses.

ALICE DEE: All set on my end.

MORAPHINE: Missiles are hot and ready to launch.  Just waiting for the countdown.

ALICE DEE: Hera.

HERA WYNN: Just send the freaking message!

ALICE DEE: And… now!  (SOUND OF BUTTONS BEING PUSHED ON A MOBILE) Damn.

MORAPHINE: Oh, man!

HERA WYNN: What?!

ALICE DEE: It’s asking for a four to eight-character password.

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – NIGHT

[CHIMES ABRUPTLY STOP AND THE CRYSTAL BOWL CONTINUES PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: (COUGH) Well, shit, that plan’s not going to work.

ALICE DEE: Yeah, your right.  We should really consider getting a hacker on retainer.  (GASP) We should have the Groupies pick one up for us at the Geek store! 

HERA WYNN: We’re so doing that!

ALICE DEE: What do you think, Moraphine?  Moraphine?

[SOUND OF HERA WYNN TAKING A RIPS FROM THE BONG IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Guys!  I was observing the way of the lava lamp when I was struck by–!  Wait, let me check something on the web first.  I’ll get back to you.

[SOUND OF MORA TYPING ON HER PHONE.]

ALICE DEE: Okay…?  Hera Wynn, can you pass me the bong?

HERA WYNN: I’m still puffing.

ALICE DEE: But, that’s your third puff.

HERA WYNN: So what are you…?  Like a narc?

ALICE DEE: No, but it’s puff, puff, pass.  Not puff, puff, puff.

MORAPHINE: Weediquette man, them are the rules. 

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: Define weediquette?  Weed etiquette is the sacred unspoken code that stoners abide by.  Not following the rules of sharing and caring can get your ass kicked out of the smoking circle.  

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – MORAPHINE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

[CRYSTAL BOWL CONTINUOUS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: But Mora takes a puff, puff every time she passes between me and you.

MORAPHINE: Perk of sitting in the center of the smoke circle.

ALICE DEE: If circles go around then how are you at the center?  Wait, this blog says the bong’s supposed to travel to the left of the circle…

HERA WYNN: Does Moraphine sit on my left or my right?

ALICE DEE: How do we tell?  We’re in a circle?

HERA WYNN: Try making an L with your hands and the one facing the right way should be on the left.

ALICE DEE: Mine both make L’s.

HERA WYNN: (LAUGHS) That doesn’t look right.

ALICE DEE: There must be something wrong with my hands!  Maybe that’s why I’m clumsy, I was born with two left hands!

MORAPHINE: Anyways, as I was sitting here meditating by the glow of the lava lamp it got me thinking… glow-in-the-dark glitter cocaine!

ALICE DEE: Wait, you want to sell blow that glows?

MORAPHINE: No, Carl will when we switch his out with ours.

HERA WYNN: (LAUGHS) Teensy-tiny issue.  Drug dealing is a shady business which involves dealing a lot at night.  Won’t he tell like when it glows?  In the dark.  Like at night?

MORAPHINE: That’s the thing, while you two were conversing, I was searching on my phone for edible glitter and guess what I found?

ALICE DEE: Edible glitter?

MORAPHINE: Well, yes, but what I was getting at was glitter that will only glow under black lighting.  And what type of lighting is common down in bars and clubs?

HERA WYNN: Black-lighting–?

MORAPHINE: You are correct.  So when Carl’s goons go hustling down in the bars and clubs–

ALICE DEE: –they’re going to be lit!

MORAPHINE: Beaming any undercover cops in their direction.

HERA WYNN: Forget about them like being all glowy they’re going to be like… toxic and shit.  Like what’s that word…?

MORAPHINE: Radioactive? 

HERA WYNN: You like found my word. (Light laugh.)  So, how do you think we should like do the switch?

INTERVIEW 

MORAPHINE: The switch was easy.  ~We just ordered from the same company Carl got his edible glitter from, emptied out the containers, and replaced the stuff with glow dust which just so happened to be offered in a large variety of colors.  We printed out a new packaging label with Carl’s address, slapped it on the box, and had a Groupie make the drop.  How did we know which company Carl got his edible glitter from?  Well, I think it’s safe to say Carl, or username Bangin’ C gets his 5-star rated stuff from the online Olympian-based Unicorn Feed Company.  Did we think he’d be suspicious when receiving a shipment he didn’t order?  No.  Chances were he’d assume he forgot about the order.  Either way, we were betting he’d want to keep it.  And keep it, he did.

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – KITCHEN – DAY

[SOUND OF PERCOLATOR, TELEVISION AND OTHER HOUSE SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[SOUND OF EATING CEREAL POURING.]

MORAPHINE: The fuck, Alice?  Did you just dump a whole bottle of glitter into your Rainbow Flakes?

ALICE DEE: How else are we going to get rid of all the edible glitter we switched Carl’s glitter dust out with?  Besides, it makes the milk taste even more colorful, it’s like there’s a rave going on in my mouth.

MORAPHINE: Well, then, pass me some blue.  Hera?

HERA WYNN:  Thanks but, I think I’ll pass on the tooth decay.  Oh!  (SPOON CLATTERS) Guess who made the Olympic Pen headlines!

ALICE DEE: No way!

MORAPHINE: Not surprised, the plan was fool-proof.  Now gimme.

HERA WYNN: Rude!  My phone my read.

MORAPHINE: My plan. My read.

[HERA WYNN GROWLS THEN HITS THE TABLE RELEASING HER ANGER.]

ALICE DEE: Read it out loud!

MORAPHINE: Ahem!  Blow that Glows!  Newest drug that trend gets dealers and users lit up, leading to multiple arrests.

ALICE DEE: That headline really grabs your attention.

MORAPHINE: Couldn’t of wrote it better ourselves.

HERA WYNN: Read on!

MORAPHINE: Can’t, that’s as far as they’ll let me unless we want to fork out fifteen ninety-nine a month for a digital subscription.

ALICE DEE: What a rip-off!  They want to charge us for a story we made happen?!

MORAPHINE: So it seems.

HERA WYNN: Phone, thank you.  Fuck it, we’ll pick up a newspaper downtown.

[PHONE DINGS.]

HERA WYNN: Huh?  How did I get a text from an unknown number on my personal?

ALICE DEE: What’s it say?

HERA WYNN: You bitches are dead.  Signed, D.

MORAPHINE: Oh, really?

ALICE DEE: Looks like Carl also saw the news.

HERA WYNN: I think I might have the proper response.  I’m thinking… Dear Fuck Face…

[WE HEAR THE PHONE TYPING.]

ALICE DEE: …We win boardwalk.

MORAPHINE: Peace out, bitch.

HERA WYNN: Short and sweet but to the point.  Last look over before I push send?

MORAPHINE: Should the ‘f in fuck and face be capitalized?  Or, should you all caps ‘fuck face?’

HERA WYNN: I don’t know?

ALICE DEE: Better go with all caps.  Three exclamations after win.  One for each of us.

[PHONE DINGS.]

HERA WYNN: Sent.

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Coming from a man who has nothing to lose are we making light of his death threat?  Nobody’s getting shot.  We can safely chalk it down to big talk from an overly excited little man-boy who’s hiding behind his little screen.(PAUSE FOR QUESTION) What now?  Now we get shit-faced.

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

MORAPHINE: Alright!  Guess whose back from the dead?  Bella La Gucci!  She just placed a tall order online.  Dig-Doug’s filling it as we speak.

HERA WYNN: (OBNOXIOUS, DRUNK) Woo! Dare to Partay! 

ALICE DEE: Yay!  The last of our high-ticket (WHISPERS) Cokeheads (LOUD AGAIN) Have returned.

HERA WYNN: Oh, no!  Looks like there’s no one left to believe in the Glitter Fairy or his merry Band of Feys anymore!  Only thing left for Big D and his bells to do is wither up and die!

MORAPHINE: Heh, heh, bells.  Wait… if the Glitter Fairy’s our nemesis then what does that make us?

ALICE DEE: Mischievious Little Sprites.

MORAPHINE: Ha-ha (HICCUPS) I like it… Mis–(HICCUPS)–chievious… Hold up, isn’t it pronounced (HICCUPS) Mischievous? 

HERA WYNN:  Which bar are we hitting up next?

ALICE DEE: Skittle Martinis!

[WE HEAR PROTESTERS IN THE DISTANCE SHOUTING ‘SAVE THE WHALES!’]

MORAPHINE: Uh… considering we’re driving home, maybe we should go somewhere to sober up a little.  Maybe grab some pizza, play some video games…

ALICE DEE: Puck-man! 

HERA WYNN: Boo!

ALICE DEE: No, yeah, boo!  You suck! 

MORAPHINE: We can take some growlers home.

HERA WYNN: Yes! 

ALICE DEE: Yay!  (HICCUP) You no longer suck. 

HERA WYNN: Hey, to avoid being swept up by the protesters why don’t we cut down that alley, the pizza shop should be on the other side.

ALICE DEE: Okey-dokey.

[THE PROTESTERS GROW LOUDER. 

MORAPHINE: (GROAN, LIPS SMACK) Anybody else having trouble saying Adios to that sickly-sweet Motherfucker we just drank?

[MORAPHINE GAGS.]

HERA WYNN: (GAGGING) Yup. 

ALICE DEE: No regrets here, the shots were in honor of– 

CARL: You three!

ALICE DEE: Oh, wow, there’s the Motherfucker now.  

MORAPHINE: Mom was right, it’s not safe to walk down dark alleys at night.  There’s no telling what creep you’ll run into.

CARL: You three!

ALICE DEE: Funny, we were just talking shit about you.

HERA WYNN: just talking shit about you. I guess we got to the part where I tell you to eat a Geoduck [ Pronounced: Gooey-duck].

CARL: You three jealous bitches–! 

HERA WYNN: Jealous?  Please, how can we be jealous of anything as pathetic as you?

MORAPHINE: Nevertheless, what would we have to be jealous about?  Unless… Was it you who made the headlines?  ‘Cause man, you made the front page and I got to say, I’m quite impressed.

HERA WYNN: I don’t know, personally, I think it takes a special kind of dumbass.

ALICE DEE: Yeah, you’re not going to recover from that one.  But you know what you could do, you can throw a big Blowout sale!  You might just break even.

CARL: You know what!

ALICE DEE: What?

CARL: I’ll tell you what!

HERA WYNN: Yeah?

MORAPHINE: We’re listening?

CARL: You three can blow me!

ALICE DEE: (HICCUP) Are we done now?

CARL: Are you three drunk?

ALICE DEE: Like a monk. 

MORAPHINE: Shamelessly.

HERA WYNN: You are familiar with bars, right?  The place where one would go to celebrate a downfall of one’s foe? 

CARL: That’s great!  Drink it up, bitches.  You’ll sober up when you’ve realized what you’ve done!

HERA WYNN: Hmm… are you referring to us taking back our customers?

CARL: The customers you stole from me in the first place?!  Those customers?!

MORAPHINE: We can’t help it that we’re addictive.

CARL: You guys took everything from me and now (LAUGH) ~you’re about to–!

ALICE DEE: (PANICKED) Oh, look, look!

CARL: What?  What?

ALICE DEE: It’s a flying fuck!  I think that’s the one we don’t give.

CARL: Well you better start giving a fuck!  Because…

HERA WYNN: What?  You’ll kill us?  We already got that memo.

CARL:  W-wait! What? Kill you?  That’s a bit extreme.

HERA WYNN: What?

CARL: Me, what?!  You, what?!  

HERA WYNN: I say again, what?!

CARL: Hey, hey, hey enough of this back and forth bullshit.

HERA WYNN: I know you’re prone to talking out of your ass, so I suppose it could have been a drunken butt dial, but to be sure let me refresh your memory.  ‘You bitches are dead -D.’

[CARL BURSTS OUT IN NERDY LAUGHTER.]

HERA WYNN: What the fuck’s so funny?

CARL: I didn’t write that.

ALICE DEE: Oh, yeah?  Then who did?

CARL: I don’t know.  Maybe, Dina might.

MORAPHINE: You’re shitting me.

CARL: Un-uh.  Nope.

HERA WYNN: Fuck.

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Whose Dinamite?

ALICE DEE: Dinamite’s an infamous lady drug boss — who’ve probably never heard of because she’s a lady — who rules over an impressively large section of Pierce County.  Known for being a highly explosive character with an insatiable appetite for revenge, she earned herself the name Dinamite — like the explosive — although spelt D-i-n-a m-i-t-e it’s pronounced more like Dina might.  As in —    

MORAPHINE: –you never know what Dina might do!  Like Dina might stab you fifteen times – (THE SOUND OF RAPID STABBING) – in broad daylight at a park and leave you to bleed out behind a natural mound, a stone throw away from the walking path.  Dina might drop you off unconscious at the local shelter with your head stuck inside the cage of a Chihuahua named Chupacabra,(SOUND OF GROWLING) who eats your face! (SOUND OF DOG ATTACKING)  Man, I heard one time at a (BLEEP) Mart she was waiting for this parking space and a guy with a large truck snaked it only to find it was a tight squeeze, so he tried to back out but Dinamite blocked him in.  Then she pulled out one of those mini-fridge bottles of vodka-  and Molotoved his ass. (THE SOUND OF A CAR GOING UP IN FLAMES)

HERA WYNN: She’s also rumored to be behind a string of execution-type killings in the area.  

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – CONTINUOUS

[SOUNDS OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

MORAPHINE: Dinamite?!  She was on the top of our ‘Don’t Fuck with List!’

HERA WYNN: Oh, fuck!

ALICE DEE: We should really print that list out and stick it on the fridge.

MORAPHINE: For sure.

HERA WYNN: That’s perfect, Alice Dee, so in case the cops raid our place, our enemies will be sure to thank us for handing the police over a list of known connections.

CARL: Oh, now, look whose starting to give a fuck!

MORAPHINE: Why would Dinamite be working with a loser like you?

CARL: I cut some deals in jail when you three got me put away.  Dinamite wanted to expand her territory into Oly and she knew I had the marketing skills to do it.

MORAPHINE: Hmm… still not seeing how we’re connected in all of this?

CARL: Picture hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of blow no longer sellable because you three and your short-sighted prank made it fucking glow.

ALICE DEE: Oh, look, another flying–!

MORAPHINE: No, no.  Not now, Alice Dee.  This fuck we actually give.

CARL: Nice to see you’re sober. 

ALICE DEE: So, okay, we know Carl’s screwed but maybe if we explain to Dinamite it was all an accident she might forgive us?

HERA WYNN: After the text we sent her?

ALICE DEE: Maybe, it wasn’t so bad?

CARL: Knowing you three, it’s bad.  Which is why I’m proposing a truce in the joining of forces to take Dinamite down.

ALICE DEE: You want us to become frenemies?

CARL: I wouldn’t use that word but sure.

HERA WYNN: So what then?  Like associates?

MORAPHINE: Are we talking canned, maim, or kill?

CARL: I would bypass the maiming part because that will only piss her off more, if we can get her canned her record should be enough to get her away for good but then there’s no telling what damage she can do inside, but if you opt to kill her I won’t get in your way.

HERA WYNN: I see, so you want us to do the dirty work so your hands can stay clean?  I don’t think so.

CARL: Canned then?

HERA WYNN: Unh, huh… Or, we three stay low while you do you so when she’s done tearing into your ass she might have calmed down enough to cut a deal with us because from what you told us, now that you’re fired, there may be a job opening for the role of marketing specialists under her employment.  Who can say no to a team of like-minded female entrepreneurs?

MORAPHINE: Fist bump. 

HERA WYNN: Girl power.

ALICE DEE: Look, look!

CARL: I’m not fucking falling for it! 

ALICE DEE: No!  Patrol car!  Six o’clock!

[WHOOP-WHOOP GOES THE POLICE SIREN.]

CARL: Shit!  Play it cool.  Lean against the building and act like we’re on a smoke break.

HERA WYNN: You know what, I think I came up with a way to lure out Dinamite.  Feel free to play along.  So long, limp dick. 

CARL: What are you…?

HERA WYNN: (LOUDLY) Ewwah!  I don’t want to feel your thingy!

CARL:  Oh! Shit! (IN BACKGROUND) Hold on. Hold on.

MORAPHINE: Help!  Dude’s like touching himself in front of us!

[SOUND OF POLICE CAR DOOR CLOSING]

FEMALE OFFICER:  Hey, what’s going on down there?

CARL: Hey, hey, hey… Shh!  Cut that shit out!

ALICE DEE: My virgin eye–!

[CARL LOUDLY BLOWS OUT.]

[WE HEAR ALICE INHALE, CHOKE AND STARTS HACKING.]

MORAPHINE: (SPUTTERING DUST) What, the fuck man?  

HERA WYNN: (ENRAGED, SNIFFING) Did you just glitter bomb us?

CARL: Who looks like a fairy now?  Looks like we’re all getting popped.

FEMALE OFFICER: What are you guys going doing down in the alley?!

ALICE DEE: The mini’s just parked around the corner, we can make it if we run now!

CARL: Hey. Hey. Take me with you, or I’ll tell her the coke I have on me was bought from you three.

HERA WYNN: You wouldn’t. 

CARL: Oh, I would. 

FEMALE OFFICER: I’m talking to you!

MORAPHINE: Guy’s, guys! We don’t have time to argue. Let’s just take him.  If Whoa-man sees us covered in dust, our coke or not, she’ll have more than enough probable cause to search us and take us in.

HERA WYNN: You- (GROWLS) Fine.  Keep up or get lost.

CARL: Deal. 

[SOUND OF THEM BOOKING IT.]

FEMALE OFFICER: (KEYS JANGLING) Don’t run!  Freeze!

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Doesn’t running from an officer of the law only raise suspicion of wrongdoing?  It might, but she knows and we know that if we can get to the minivan before she has a chance to search us then by law she can’t pursue us nor call it in.

PARKING LOT – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS AND RUNNING AND COP JINGLING CONTINUES.]

HERA WYNN: I’m driving, everyone else get in the back!

FEMALE OFFICER: Stop! Halt!

[BEEP. THE MINIVAN IS UNLOCKED.]

CARL: (TRIUMPANT) Hahaha.

FEMALE OFFICER: Step away from the vehicle! 

[WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE SIDE DOORS ROLLING OPEN.]

[SOUND OF THEM CLAMORING IN THEN…]

ALICE DEE: We made it!

CARL: Wait! Wait! Hold the Door open! Make roo–!

[THUNK! THEN THE SOUND OF A BODY HITTING THE GROUND HARD.]

HERA WYNN: What the hell was that?!

MORAPHINE: Dude, Carl overshot!  He caught too much air and leaped headfirst into the door frame.  He’s out cold.

ALICE DEE: For a Glitter Fairy he sure sucks at flying!  (GASP) The bluecoat is coming!  The bluecoat is coming!

[IGNITION STARTS.]

FEMALE OFFICER: Exit the vehicle! 

[CARL LETS OUT A SOFT GROAN.]

HERA WYNN: Are Carl’s legs in the way of the tires?

CARL: (SLURRED) Wait…

MORAPHINE: Negative.

HERA WYNN: Then shut the fucking door!

CARL: (SLURRED) We had a deal!

[THE DOOR ROLLS SHUT.]

[TIRES SQUEAL AS THEY PEEL OUT.]

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

[OUTRO]

[CREDITS]

HERA WYNN: This has been a Radioactive Skittles ‘Glowing’ Production. As an independent podcast production company, one-hundred-percent self-funded by yours truly, we need–

MORAPHINE: You, our groupies, support to keep the show running.

ALICE DEE: Which you can do by donating, becoming a patron on Patreon, buying merch at radioactiveskittles.com, rating and reviewing the show on your favorite app, and by telling friends about the show–

MORAPHINE: — ‘Cause, you know, good karma. Don’t forget to subscribe to get alerts on season two and check back for updates on radioactiveskittles.com.

HERA WYNN: Thanks for listening and remember….

TRIPP SISTERS: Dare to Party!

 

 

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[INTRO]

ALICE DEE: Radioactive Skittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price. Guest-starring Any L. Price.

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Now that Big D has dominated the market –I wouldn’t say dominate–

MORAPHINE: By “dominating” do you mean to say Big D has waged a superior marketing war and in the process has pied piped our coke heads, then yes, you are correct in those respects.

HERA WYNN: –and Carl has had a steady rise in popularity and has accumulated a nice following, hmm aren’t we generous.  What are our plans in terms of retaliating? 

ALICE DEE: Retaliation?  Oh, no, we’re not retaliating, we’re just planning on putting a bitch back in its place.

BLEEP MART – PARKING LOT – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: (UNSURE) So… that’s the plan?

HERA WYNN: What?  You got a better idea?

ALICE DEE: No, but yours sounds more mean than effective.

MORAPHINE: Actually, I think it will be both mean yet effective if implemented right.

HERA WYNN: See. 

MORAPHINE: Think about it.  Not only will we be throwing Carl off his game after he discovers what we’ve done, but all roads will lead back to him.  But, we’ll need a way to jump-start our plan.  Otherwise, it could take weeks before Carl lands on the cops’ radar.

ALICE DEE: Hey, isn’t that Conscious?

HERA WYNN: Where? 

MORAPHINE: Who?

ALICE DEE: You know, Hera’s archenemy.  She’s over there selling cookies by the mouth of (BLEEP) Mart.

HERA WYNN: She dares to enter my turf?

ALICE DEE: Actually, she dares to enter girl scout territory.  I wonder where she got her girl scout costume complete with badge?

HERA WYNN: I don’t know, let’s go ask.

MORAPHINE: What do you know (BLEEP) Mart’s about to get A-bombed.

HERA WYNN: Hey there, Conscious, long time no see.

CONSCIOUS: Could be longer. 

HERA WYNN: Where’d you get the getup?  Mug an actual girl scout?

CONSCIOUS: Internet, heard of it?

MORAPHINE: So what charity are you funding for this time?  (READING SIGN) ‘Help Feed the Seagulls?’  Really?  People are actually falling for that scam.

CONSCIOUS: As a hippie, I would think you’d be more concerned for our wildlife.

MORAPHINE: They eat fish.

[WE HEAR A  BOX OF COOKIES BEING GRABBED.]

ALICE DEE: Hold up!  These cookies are the real deal.  She’s got Thin Mints.  I see you earned your fraud badge.

HERA WYNN: Earn your fire badge next and you’ll be all set for your trip to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

CONSCIOUS: Are you just hear to bust my balls or are you going to buy something?

HERA WYNN: The first.

ALICE DEE: Whatcha out here peddling cookies so hard for anyways?

GIRL SCOUT: If you must know, I’m saving for this.

MORAPHINE: Uh… your thumbs covering your phone screen.

GIRL SCOUT: Oops, there. 

ALICE DEE: (SHOCKED BUT EXCITED) An Ice Cream Cart Tricycle?

HERA WYNN: (PLOTTY) Interesting. 

GIRL SCOUT: Everyone knows Ice Cream is where it’s at.

MORAPHINE: (WHISTLES LOW) Five grand that’s some investment.

ALICE DEE: Not to mention the start-up costs. 

CONSCIOUS: Thanks to you I got that covered.

ALICE DEE: Us?  Oh. Yeah, You’re not welcome.

HERA WYNN: Are you even old enough to work? 

CONSCIOUS: I’m fourteen, nothing’s stopping me.  Come next summer I’ll have retired the sash.

HERA WYNN: How would you like to retire the sash, say… this Friday?  

ALICE/MORAPHINE: Huh?

CONSCIOUS: I’m listening. 

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Okay, we might be earning our fire and brimstone badge for an epic prank, but it’s not like we’re recruiting her as an informant or some shit.  What do we look like, the Feds?

BLEEP MART – EARLIER – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

CONSCIOUS: So we’re on the same page, for five g’s you want me to meet you at ten-forty on Friday downtown at Sylvester Park to pick up a box of girl scout cookies, then hop on a bus and ride the eight minutes over to the stop outside the police station, walk across the sidewalk outside city hall, cross paths with some sketchy douche bag in a black hoodie holding a cup of coffee, dispense a couple of small baggies filled with ‘coke’ –oopsies, my bad– ‘Glitter Dust’ from the bottom of a box of girl scout cookies and then play the part of the good Samaritan who wants to return the baggies to him?

HERA WYNN: Correct.

CONSCIOUS: So, where will you be?

ALICE DEE: Parked in the lot across the street so we can watch the exchange. 

CONSCIOUS: Got it. 

HERA WYNN: So what do you say kid? Are you ready to start your future?

CONSCIOUS: I need halfsies upfront.

HERA WYNN: So you can ghost us, no, no, no.  You said you want the money to buy your trike, right?

CONSCIOUS: That is what I intend.

HERA WYNN: Then here’s what we’ll do.  We’re going to buy you that exact bike on your wishlist and have it delivered to your place.  You’ll have the tracking number so you won’t have to worry your pretty little head about getting scammed.

CONSCIOUS: Deal.  Last requests?

ALICE DEE: We’ll need a box of Lemon Thins and a box of Thin Mints.

CONSCIOUS: That’ll be twenty-five.

MORAPHINE: Really? 

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Aren’t we worried enlisting a fourteen-year-old girl in our turf war might be construed to some as child endangerment?  No, the only child we’ll be endangering is the man-boy himself.  How you ask?

MORAPHINE: Like all rebels, we drug dealers get off on finding ways to indiscreetly give the bird to the establishment despite the risk of getting caught.  Hera Wynn, Alice Dee, and I, Moraphine, enjoy the in-your-face approach by the use of clever word-play to disguise our drug biz.  Big D’s not so ballsy move is to grab his morning Americana from the coffee shop facing City Hall.  The very same City Hall which houses our Police Department and the building which will serve for the backdrop to our prank.

TRIPP SISTERS MINIVAN – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[WINDSHIELD WIPERS, SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Oh!  Conscious has hopped off the bus in front of the Police Station.  Ooh!  And look, the po-po’s out and about.

MORAPHINE: Ten-fifty on the dot.  Carl’s exiting the coffee shop.  He’s waiting for the walk sign to cross the street aand he’s walking.

HERA WYNN: Conscious is on the move, box of girl scout cookies in hand.  Hold up, why is she stopping?

ALICE DEE: She’s talking to a woman on the bench.  Conscious is shaking her head no.  The woman is pulling out cash.  Carl is walking past.  Oh, no!  We missed the mark!

HERA WYNN: Who the hell hounds someone for a box of lemon cookies!

ALICE DEE: A stoner?

MORAPHINE: Wait a minute, those aren’t the Lemon cookies?  Conscious has the Thin Mints.

HERA WYNN: What the fuck?!  We agreed to put the cocaine in a box of Lemon Thins because the Thin Mints are too popular someone was bound to buy them off her.

ALICE DEE: Well, it was on the kitchen table I thought they were left out for me to work with.

MORAPHINE: No wonder I couldn’t find my cookies.

HERA WYNN: Great going, Moraphine!

MORAPHINE: Hey, you should have checked the box before handing it to her.

HERA WYNN: (ANGRY SHUDDER) Whatever, let’s go meet her at the freaking park so we can plan on getting this right tomorrow morning.

[SOUND OF A SINGING BOWL PLAYED BACKWARDS.]

TRIPP SISTERS MINIVAN – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[WINDSHIELD WIPERS, SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Conscious has stepped off the bus with the box of Lemon Thins.  She’s back in position, again.

HERA WYNN: Huh, looks like today is a better day, City Hall is crawling with cops. 

MORAPHINE: I see movement.  Carl has left the coffee shop and is crossing the street.

HERA WYNN: Think Carl could spot us parked over here in the lot?

ALICE DEE: Behind the hedge? 

MORAPHINE: Nah, man, he’s too busy watching the cops and sipping his joe. 

ALICE DEE: Carl’s stepped onto the curve.

HERA WYNN: Conscious is approaching and… The first baggie has been dispensed.

ALICE DEE: She’s picking it up off the ground! 

CONSCIOUS: Hey mister, with the black hoodie! 

CARL: Huh?

CONSCIOUS:  Yeah, you, holding the coffee.

MORAPHINE: That sure got his attention and the cops who were walking the other direction. 

CONSCIOUS: I saw you dropped this little baggie of glitter?

CARL: What? Yo!  ~That’s not mine!

CONSCIOUS: Yes it is, I saw it fall out of your backpack.

CARL: Get lost, kid!

HERA WYNN: Hoodie’s going up and he’s picking up the pace.  Yeah, that’s really inconspicuous.

MORAPHINE: Cops are heading over. 

CONSCIOUS: Hey mister!

CARL: This is harassment

ALICE DEE: Look, Conscious plopped another.

CONSCIOUS: Mister, you dropped another one and another!  Geez, mister how much you got?

ALICE DEE: Lucky for him I only put three.

HERA WYNN: (LIGHT LAUGH) He’s stopping to engage. 

CARL: For the last time you little shit!

POLICE1: Hey!

CARL: Those are not mine! 

POLICE: Stop right there! 

POLICE2: What’s going on over here?!

CARL: Hello, officer.

CONSCIOUS: He keeps dropping little baggies of glitter and I just wanted to return them, damn!

CARL: I’ve never seen those baggies in my life!

[ERUPTION OF LAUGHTER.]

CARL: I was just walking! She’s lying! She lies! What!? You’re going to handcuff me out here!? I’ve been framed!

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Is Carl gone for good?  No.  Sadly he didn’t have anything on him when he got busted and since he never actually touched the baggies the charges couldn’t stick.  Though he did get to spend his weekend in the can until they got it all sorted. (LISTENING TO QUESTION) So, what was the whole point?  I’m glad you asked.  See, we glued special made Bangin’ Hooch tabs to the front of the little baggies to guarantee Carl a spot on the cops’ radar.  

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – AFTERNOON

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

CARL: Bangin’ Hooch?!

MORAPHINE: I see you’re finally out.

ALICE DEE: A little late in the day, and you’re still wearing your clothes from Saturday.  I’m guessing the prints were on backlog and you weren’t too high on their priority list. 

CARL: (LOUDER) Bangin’ Hooch?! 

ALICE DEE: Are you talking about the place that closed down around the corner.

CARL: I know where my bar was!  You can’t do this!  I still own the name.  

ALICE DEE: I see that you’re getting a little emotional and we’re sorry to have upset you.

(TO SISTERS, BEHIND HAND) It must be his time of the month.

MORAPHINE: We thought you would be flattered since they’re very popular.  I mean, people even request these tabs by name. 

HERA WYNN: Yeah, I mean they’re almost as popular as are Dare to Party spirit tabs.

CARL: This is a clear violation of copyright.  You will not get away with this!

ALICE DEE: I think we already did… 

HERA WYNN: But if you feel that strongly then perhaps you should report us.  ~However, if you were to file that complaint in Federal Court I think you’ll find it to be a whole other court proceeding when the question of the ‘alleged’ infringement comes up.  You know, the part where you’ll have to go into detail about our illicit paraphernalia impeding upon your illicit business dealings.  Though it’s up to you on how you would like to proceed.

CARL: Oh, I think I’d like to settle this matter outside of court.

ALICE DEE: You do that.

MORAPHINE: Now, if you’ll excuse us we don’t really want to be seen talking with you.  The po-po may not have anything on you which explains you walking free, but they are still probably keeping tabs, pun attended.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: How worried are we that Carl might try to return the favor?  Pfft.

NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

[SOUND OF BIRDS, LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS IN BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: (LOW WHISTLE) Wow, Haze, really cleaned up her place.  Nice lawn.

ALICE DEE: The white picket fence is new and so is the cute little gate.

[SOUND OF GATE SWINGING OPEN.]

HERA WYNN: So is the cute little flower bed she stuck in the place where her lockbox used to be.  Come on. Her cars not here so we’ll just have to leave the party supplies by the front door. 

ALICE DEE: Huh, why does Hazel have a scale on her front porch shaped like a land mine?

MORAPHINE: Ooh. Ooh, I’ve seen an ad for that.  It’s an anti-package-thief scale.  We just got a place the bag like so,– (SOUND OF PAPER BAG RUSTLING) — and now if anyone was to take it off, an alarm will blare.

ALICE DEE: For how long?

MORAPHINE: Three minutes more or less.

HERA WYNN: Sure that will deter most common thieves but I don’t really see how it will stop some bold asshole from taking off with the package anyway–

[SQUEAK.]

ALICE DEE: Bless you.

HERA WYNN: I didn’t sneeze. 

MORAPHINE: That wasn’t a sneeze, it sounded more like a squeaky toy.

[PANTING AND SQUEAKING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Puppy!

HERA WYNN: Careful, Alice, that’s not a puppy it’s a grown-ass Collie.  Where the hell did it come from?

MORAPHINE: By the look of her collar, I think her tag has some kind of motion sensor chip probably for a doggy door.  Also, the dog’s name is Flower.

ALICE DEE: She’s a Collie Flower!  Ooh!  What a pretty flower you are. 

MORAPHINE: Flower must have let herself out from the back.

ALICE DEE: She must be friendly if Hazel allows her to hang around outside!  (TALKING TO  THE DOG) Aren’t you?!  (SQUEALING) Oh!  I’m texting Haze right now to tell her how pretty you are!

[SOUND OF TEXTING.]

[DING.]

ALICE DEE: Wow, that was a fast reply.  She said she doesn’t know who’s dog this is and she didn’t make an order.

HERA WYNN: What do you mean she doesn’t know about the order?  I’m sending Haze a screenshot of her order, maybe that will refresh her memory.

[SOUND OF TEXTING.]

[DING.]

ALICE DEE: Guys, maybe she’s a stray!  We could keep her!

HERA WYNN: No.

ALICE DEE: (WHINY) Aww. 

MORAPHINE: Hey, wasn’t there a junk pile somewhere over by that bush?

HERA WYNN: I think it was where that fairy garden now sits?

ALICE DEE: Yeah it was. Oh wow!  She swapped out the tweaker shutters for curtains–

MORAPHINE: Is it just me, or is anybody else getting some weird vibes off of this situation?

ALICE DEE: –and she replaced the overgrown weeds with sunflowers and oh!  Check out the herb garden in the side yard!  (DAWNING) I wonder how she has time to take care of an herb garden when she’s always using?

MORAPHINE: I don’t know, starter plants. 

[DING.]

HERA WYNN: She doesn’t.  She doesn’t live here anymore.

[DING.]

HERA WYNN: And she swears she didn’t place an order? 

MORAPHINE: What?!

HERA WYNN: Haze got busted for smoking crack and got kicked out of this place a month ago.

ALICE DEE: Well that explains a lot.

MORAPHINE: Wait!  Then who lives here?

[DING.]

HERA WYNN: (READING) The owners rented the place out to their niece. (GASP) Whose a cop!

ALICE DEE/MORAPHINE: Cop! 

MORAPHINE: That can’t be, the Groupies would have informed us of a change in residence.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: There’s like, thirty officers on the force in Ol-of this county.  They’re not usually hard to keep tabs on, but then again… 

NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS.]

[PANTING AND SQUEAKING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Carl must have set us up!  We got to grab the bag and get the fuck out of here!

MORAPHINE: Oh, man!  The alarm’s going to go off the second the bag leaves the scale.  We’re going to have to book it to the mini.  On the count of three.  One…

[SOUND OF SQUEAKY TOY DROPPING. SOUND OF DOG GROWLING.]

MORAPHINE: Whoa, dog.  Chill dog.

[GROWLING INTENSIFIES.]

MORAPHINE: She’s not chilling.

ALICE DEE: Mora, move your hand slowly away from the bag.

MORAPHINE: (SLOWLY) Look, Flower, I’m moving my hand back.

[GRRR… GROWLING ABRUPTLY ENDS.]

ALICE DEE: See, she doesn’t want to eat you.  She just doesn’t like you touching her bag.

HERA WYNN: She might as well eat us because we’re dead meat without it!

MORAPHINE: Okay, okay.  Sorry, dog, but this was my bag first. 

[GROWLING RESUMES.]

MORAPHINE: So, if you don’t mind I’m just going to reach…

[GROWLING GROWS LOUDER.]

MORAPHINE: For this…

[GROWLING INTENSIFIES.]

MORAPHINE: Bag.  And…

[THE ALARM GOES OFF AND THE DOG SNAPS!]

ALICE DEE/HERA WYNN: Put it back!  Put it back!

MORAPHINE: It’s back!  It’s back!

[THE ALARM TURNS OFF AND THE DOG STOPS BARKING.]

ALICE DEE: What are we going to do!

MORAPHINE: Not get bit, that’s for sure.  

HERA WYNN: So our choices are to get mauled or go to prison!  Motherfucking Fucker, fuck!

[SQUEAKING AND PANTING CONTINUES.]

[PHONE BEEPS.] 

HERA WYNN: Haze texted.  She says she’s surprised we hadn’t realized she moved since her last order was sent to her new address!  How did you not check, Moraphine?!

MORAPHINE: I was busy setting up the bag of goods.  Space Cadet, here, is the one who took the order?

ALICE DEE: Me?!  (SPUTTERING) Hey, if it wasn’t for Hera Wynn putting Carl’s old logo on the tabs Carl wouldn’t have sat in jail for three days giving him plenty of time to think about how he was getting us back!

MORAPHINE: Alice, has a point.

HERA WYNN: What!  I didn’t see either of you having any good plans.  Don’t try blaming me when it’s your guy’s fault!

MORAPHINE: My fault?!  It’s your fault! 

ALICE DEE: Me?!  No, you!

MORAPHINE: Not you, her!

ALICE DEE: Oh.  You!

HERA WYNN: It’s not my fault!

MORAPHINE: Yes, it is!

HERA WYNN: No, it’s not!

ALICE DEE: It’s your fault!

MORAPHINE: Yes, it is!

[HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND…]

ALICE DEE: No, it’s my fault.  Wait… no.

HERA WYNN: No!

MORAPHINE: Yes, it is!

HERA WYNN: The fuck it is!

[HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND…]

ALICE DEE:  (WEAKLY) Shut up!

MORAPHINE: (WHISTLING) Guys!  Stop the insanity!  Pointing fingers or giving the finger isn’t helping.

HERA WYNN: Then why the fuck is your finger still pointing at me. 

MORAPHINE: I was just pointing in a general direction!

HERA WYNN: In mine?! 

MORAPHINE: Hera, take a chill pill!  We can figure this out.

[HERA WYNN GROWLS.]

ALICE DEE: Too bad, we can’t just slip Flower a chill pill.  What, why are you guys staring at me like that?

HERA WYNN: That’s it!

ALICE DEE: What’s it? 

HERA WYNN: Moraphine, toss Flower your blunt!

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Well, it wasn’t like we had any other Scooby Snax on hand.  Besides, a squirrel at the park got into a stash we hid for a client and it woke up fine.  Two days later.  The only side-effect it displayed was a bad case of the munchies.

NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS.]

[DOG PANTING.]

MORAPHINE: Here, doggy, doggy, doggy.  Fetch.  Now eat the weed doggy.  There you go, eat the bud, bud.

[SOUND OF DOG FETCHING.]

ALICE DEE: She’s eating it and…

[SOUND OF DOG SPITTING UP.]

ALICE DEE: She just spat it out.

[HERA WYNN LETS OUT A GROWL.]

MORAPHINE: Great, I just wasted perfectly good weed that I could have really used to take the edge off.

HERA WYNN: Okay, okay, okay. The way I look at it, only one person has to get mauled.

ALICE DEE: We can rock paper scissor over–

HERA WYNN: Mora–

MORAPHINE: Bitch–?!

HERA WYNN: Not you!  I was starting to say call Pup.  It’s time for his initiation.

MORAPHINE: Oh.  It’s a dog-eat-dog world, what option do we have?

ALICE DEE: Pup’s a big boy, he’s got this. 

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Back in the safety of the minivan, still in perfect view of the house, we went ahead and got the ball rolling.  While Moraphine prepped Pup and Alice Dee scanned the My Block App in search of our plan B, I texted Haze to find out who lives at the house.  Turns out, the Wilkins rented it out to their niece Officer Debra Wilkins-Hanes. So, once I knew the officers’ name, I put a Groupie on the task of finding out how it is Carl found out about her change in address before we did.  As it was, Dear Debbie’s recent unexpected change in address was spurred from marital problems.  Her husband, an addict before they met, was an old customer of Big D’s.  Due to the separation, it appears he’s begun using again which is how Carl was able to find out that newly separated Debbie moved into our client’s old house. Which is how he lured us here.  Payback will prove to be a bigger bitch than Flower, but that will have to wait for another day as Officer Debbie’s shift ends in a half hour.  Putting us in a bit of a time crunch.

TRIPP SISTER’S MINIVAN – NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

[LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS IN BACKGROUND.] 

[ SOUND OF AGGRESSIVE SQUEAKING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Look at her!  Playing with her squeaky toy.  Mocking us!

MORAPHINE: Do you see how she’s shaking that thing?

HERA WYNN: Imagine trying to remove it from her mouth?

MORAPHINE: Yeesh. 

ALICE DEE: You mean like if that were a bag of party supplies? (CLEARS THROAT)

[BRIEF GUILTY SILENCE.]

MORAPHINE: About time!  Lower down the window, Hera, there’s Pup running up.

[SOUND OF WINDOW LOWERING.]

PUP: Hey–! 

HERA WYNN: Got the ham bone?

PUP: Yup.

HERA WYNN: So, we’re going to stay in the minivan so as not to get in the way of you or the dog and you just toss the bone to Flower, grab the package, and do your thing.  

MORAPHINE: Feel free to take a moment to maybe limber up because the second you grab the package you’re going to want to run.

PUP: Dogs love me, I’ll be fine. 

ALICE DEE: That’s the spirit.  Remember, get this right, and you become an official Groupie.  Higher pay, benefits, and all.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: And ‘all’ meaning he won’t be the first to be considered dog bait, but in the case that he once again might find himself in this situation one of the benefits included is hazard pay.

TRIPP SISTERS MINIVAN – NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS.]

ALICE DEE: You can do this!

MORAPHINE: Positive Affirmations.

HERA WYNN: Don’t.  Fuck.  Up. 

[SOUND OF WINDOW ROLLING UP.]

MORAPHINE: He looks confident, that’s a good start.  He’s already in the yard.

ALICE DEE: He’s doing great!  He’s got the attention of Flower and Flower looks like she has taken an interest to the ham bone in his hand.

HERA WYNN: Pup’s tossing…!  Flower’s fetching…!  Pup’s retrieving the package…!

[SIRENS BLARE!]

[THE SIREN IS MORE SUBDUED AS IT FADES TO THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Flower’s ditched the bone!  She’s coming for him!

[DOG RUNNING AND PANTING RUNNING IS HEARD.]

[PUP IS SCREAMING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Haul ass! 

MORAPHINE: Pup’s halfway through the yard, he might make it!

ALICE DEE: No!  She’s gaining on him!  She’s right behind you!

HERA WYNN: Toss the package over to us! 

MORAPHINE: Flower’s on him!  She’s running alongside him!  She just hipped checked him with her butt!  Pup’s going down!

HERA WYNN: Toss it now!  Yes!

ALICE DEE: The package is arcing!

[SOUND OF MINI-VAN’S SIDE DOOR OPENING.]

MORAPHINE: It’s going to make it over the fence!  I’m going to run and grab– 

[SOUNDS OF DOG CATCHING AND COLLECTIVE GASP!]

HERA WYNN: (SLOWLY WITH ANGER) Are you fucking kidding me!

MORAPHINE: Wow, I did not see that coming!

[SOUND OF MINI-VAN’S SIDE DOOR CLOSING.]

ALICE DEE: It was like she was flying when she caught it in her mouth!

MORAPHINE: Where’s she going?

ALICE DEE: What a bitch!  She’s prancing back to the porch.

HERA WYNN: No fucking way.

[THE SIREN BECOMES MORE PRONOUNCED AND THEN… SILENCE.]

MORAPHINE: Great, she stuck it right back on the stupid anti-theft machine.

[SOUND OF WINDOW LOWERING.]

HERA WYNN: Pup, stop cowering and get the fuck off the ground.

MORAPHINE: Alice, please tell me the Groupies located plan B?

ALICE DEE: Let me check… Looks like it.  There’s Crystal and Beth’s Volkswagen driving up to us now.

MORAPHINE: Oh!  Thank the universe! 

HERA WYNN: We’re running out of time, let’s go meet them.

[MINIVAN’S DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]

NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, BIRDS, AND VAN PULLING UP.]

PUP: I’m so sorry!

MORAPHINE: (STOPPING HIM) Don’t worry about it.  You made it further than we did.

PUP: Does that mean I get promoted?

HERA WYNN: Nope.  Better luck next time. 

ALICE DEE: Hey, Crystal!

CRYSTAL: Hey.

ALICE DEE: Where’s the package?

CRYSTAL: In the back with Beth and Dig-Doug.

MORAPHINE: Right.

[SOUND OF TRUNK OPENING AND MUFFLED SCREAMING.]

ALICE DEE: Hey, Dougie!

DIG-DOUG: Hey Alice, Hera, Mora, Pup.

MORAPHINE: Hey, Beth.

BETH: Hey.

HERA WYNN: Mark.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Is Mark the package thief who we robbed, maimed, and had thrown into the Puget Sound?  The very same.

MORAPHINE: Mark was easy to find, only took Alice Dee a couple of minutes to scan the My Block App for a spree of thefts and once we pinpointed his location we had the Groupies go and pick him up. 

NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

[MUFFLED CRIES.]

HERA WYNN: You can remove the hood.

MORAPHINE: Gag, nice touch.

ALICE DEE: Where’d you find him?

DIG DOUG: Westside.   

MORAPHINE: Best to remove his gag now, Dig-Doug.  Leave the zip ties.

MARK: (SOUND OF SPITTING OUT GAG.) I swear to God, I haven’t taken anything from your neighborhood!  I stayed out as promised.  Ask around, no one’s seen me!

HERA WYNN: It doesn’t seem to stop you from stealing our parents’ packages.

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: I lied, they live nowhere near here.

NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS CONTINUE.]

MARK: What? They live on the Westside?  I didn’t know, I’m sorry!

ALICE DEE: That’s all right, I’m sure we can find some way to make us even.

HERA WYNN: I’m thinking this time we take something of his.  How about a hand boys in helping Crystal and Beth, take Mark here out to the farm?  

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Do we own a farm?  No, but we rent one.

NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

MARK: Hold up!  Hold up!  I can make it up to you!

MORAPHINE: Wait, guys, I think we’re being rash.  Mark here has a particularly unique skill set that shouldn’t go to waste.

MARK: Yes, yes, I’m very talented.

HERA WYNN: Are you sure, Mora, because where I’m standing he’s looking a lot like a common thief.

MARK: I have low morals, yes–

ALICE DEE: That we can see.

MARK: But I have been doing this for three years and I have never been caught– other than by you three, I don’t have a record, and no one has been able to capture my face on camera.  Again, except for you three.

MORAPHINE: Right, by the drone.  Fun times. 

ALICE DEE: I like your repertoire.  Okay, maybe you could prove useful.  How about you start like right now.

MARK: You want me to steal something now?

HERA WYNN: Why?  You busy?

MARK: Now’s good.

HERA WYNN: Good.  Now we need you to steal from that house down there a package that was erroneously placed on an anti-theft scale.

MARK: Round or square?

HERA WYNN: Round.

MARK: So, it’s the type with a siren.  I’m guessing you tried to pull it off but something stopped you… hmm… and I’m guessing it’s that dog in the side yard chewing on a bone.

MORAPHINE: Observant.

MARK: Part of the job. I’m going to need the zip ties off, a paper bag, and I’m going to need to know what’s in the package.

HERA WYNN: Excuse me.

MARK: Not to pry or anything.  I just need to know the exact weight of the bag you need me to steal so that we can make sure the decoy weighs the same to avoid tripping the alarm.

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: After a little bit of math, we were able to come close to the weight of the bag, and we sent Mark accompanied by Pup and the Groupies, off to make a quick run to the store. With only five minutes left before shit hits the fan, it was time for us to put all our faith behind a klepto.

NEIGHBORHOOD – MOMENTS LATER

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS.]

HERA WYNN: Mark, you got the shit you asked, for now, go do your job well or suffer the consequences because if you come back empty-handed that may very well be the one you lose. Okay, pep-talk over.  Shoo.  You’re dismissed!  Go!  Do your thing. 

[HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND…]

MARK:  Oh! Right…right, sorry!

HERA WYNN: (CLAP, CLAP) Okay, Groupies, listen up.  If Mark sucks at his job we’re going to have a real shit storm on our hands.  Everybody is going to need to lay low while we, Alice Dee, Moraphine, and I get the hell out of dodge.

MORAPHINE: We may be going dark for weeks, maybe even months until the heats off us.

ALICE DEE: Hippy commune deep.

MORAPHINE: As our right-hand-man Dig-Doug will be running the operation until our return and we are entrusting you –when the smoke has cleared– to avenge us.

DIG DOUG: You got it. 

ALICE DEE: Dougie, take care of Pup while we’re gone.

DIG DOUG: Will do. 

PUP: We’ll miss–

HERA WYNN: (DISGUSTED) Ugh!  None of that sappy shit!  Ech!  It’s time for you guys to go.

ALICE DEE: If you hear from us, things went well if not.  We all know why. 

MORAPHINE: We’ll be seeing you.  Dig-Doug,  Pup.  

ALICE DEE: Crystal, Beth.  

HERA WYNN: Mark-!  (TURNING ON HIM) What the fuck are you still standing here for, Mark?

ALICE DEE: Is that the…? 

MARK: Here you go.

HERA WYNN: Let me see that.

[SOUND OF PAPER BAG RUSTLING AS THE TRIPP SISTERS PEER INTO IT.]

[IMPRESSED GASPS ENSUE.]

ALICE DEE: (REPEATING IN THE BACKGROUND) We’re saved! We’re saved! We’re saved!

MORAPHINE: But how did you?  We didn’t hear any sirens?  Or Flower?!

MARK: I Indiana Jones-ed that shit, plus it helped that the dog was in the middle of taking a literal shit.

MORAPHINE: Whoa.  Kismet.

HERA WYNN: So a touch of dumb luck.  I’ll take it. Moraphine, pay the man.  You’ve proven yourself useful after all.  

MORAPHINE: Here.  You’ll probably want to stick this wad in your front pocket, you wouldn’t want to risk losing three grand.

MARK: Three grand?  For thirty seconds worth of work? Awesome!

MORAPHINE: One grand is for your service, (SOUND OF CASH BEING HANDED OVER) one for your silence, and the other grand for your sign-on bonus.

MARK: Sign-on bonus?

HERA WYNN: We’d like to keep you on call.

ALICE DEE: You’ll soon find when you work for us and surpass our expectations you’ll be appropriately compensated for your troubles.

HERA WYNN: Why don’t you go ahead and take this.

[SOUND OF PACKAGE BEING HANDED OVER.]

MARK: The bag you just paid me to steal?

HERA WYNN: Consider it a gift.  

MARK: Do you got any more jobs for me?

ALICE DEE: That’s the spirit.  Here’s a prepaid burner, you’re going to want to pick up and follow our instructions because there’s more green where that came from.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: Is Mark our newest Groupie?  Time will only tell.  As for now, he’ll work for us on a part-time contractual basis.

NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS CONTINUE.]

HERA WYNN: We’ll be seeing you, Mark. Groupies, roll out.

ALICE DEE: I call shotgun.

MORAPHINE: Fine by me I want to smoke this joint in the back anyway.

[SOUND OF CAR DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING.]

TRIPP SISTER’S MINIVAN – DAY – MOMENTS LATER

[SOUND OF CAR DOORS CLOSING, ENGINE STARTING AND DRIVING OFF.]

ALICE DEE: Hey so now that whole mess is over, what are we going to do to get back at Carl?

MORAPHINE: I don’t know, but all I know is today was stressful and all I want to do is sit back, enjoy this doobie, and unwind.  Tomorrow we plot.

HERA WYNN: Oh!  I’m so fucking glad that’s over. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)

ALICE DEE: Me too. Hey, I thought we threw your last joint back there to Flower?

MORAPHINE: We did.

ALICE DEE: Then where did you get that one?

MORAPHINE: Courtesy of Flower. 

HERA WYNN/ALICE DEE: Eww! 

MORAPHINE: What, when leaving a scene of a crime, (SOUND OF LIGHTER) leave no evidence behind.

[MORAPHINE TAKES A HIT AND WE FADE INTO THE THEME SONG ON HER EXHALE.]

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

[OUTRO]

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

 

[INTRO]

 

HERA WYNN: RadioactiveSkittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price.

 

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

 

INTERVIEW

 

MORAPHINE: You want to know how are things since the ‘Glitter Fairy’s’ been sprinkling his ‘glitter dust’ all over our turf?  Well you know glitter, it spreads everywhere like herpes.  

 

HERA WYNN: It seems our clientele doesn’t give a shit about the quality of their drugs as long as it’s cheap and flashy.

 

ALICE DEE: Lately, walking downtown everyone seems to sparkle.  It’s like everyone’s tasted the rainbow but us.

 

HERA WYNN: I mean, who cares if the long-term side effects of huffing glitter dust has been yet to be scientifically proven to be harmless?  Why would that pose a concern to an individual who has no qualms snorting a rail off of a public toilet tank?

 

ALICE DEE: I want to freaking sparkle!  But no, I can’t wear glitter because it might trace back to me in a crime scene…  Oh, yeah, and Moraphine says it’s bad for the environment.  But I mean like seriously, lately what isn’t?

 

MORAPHINE: We’re looking at a possible placebo effect.  People are swearing by Carl’s glitter cocaine.

 

ALICE DEE: “Glitter dust, for when you want a sweeter high.”

 

MORAPHINE: We have apparently underestimated Carl’s marketing capabilities.  By how much, well… 

 

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – KITCHEN – DAY

 

[SOUND OF PERCOLATOR, TELEVISION AND OTHER HOUSE SOUNDS.]

 

MORAPHINE: We’re losing customers.  ~The big Douche is undercutting us. Cereal me.

 

[SOUND OF BOWL SLIDING AND CEREAL BOX BEING POURED IN THE BACKGROUND.]

 

HERA WYNN: Undercutting us how?

 

MORAPHINE: Currently group chatting the groupies for answers.

[PHONE DINGS.]

 

MORAPHINE: Oh, Addy answered back.  Undercutting by forty.

 

HERA WYNN: Forty?

 

ALICE DEE: Well, that’s better than fifty.

 

[PHONE DINGS.]

 

MORAPHINE: Great, Pup, chimed in it’s actually fifty percent off.

 

ALICE DEE: Maybe Pup meant up to fifty?

 

MORAPHINE: Right, maybe he did mean up to fifty instead of fifty percent off.  Putting up to something in a sale is where they get you.  Totally two different sales.

 

[TAPING TEXT SOUND.  DING.  MESSAGE SENT.]

 

ALICE DEE: Terribly misleading.

 

[PHONE DINGS.]

 

HERA WYNN: It makes a huge difference.

 

[PHONE DINGS.]

 

MORAPHINE: Pup just messaged, he meant fifty percent off.

 

ALICE DEE: (GROANING) Aww! 

 

HERA WYNN: (STRIKING THE TABLE A SPOON CLATTERS) The bastard!

 

MORAPHINE: Don’t shoot the messenger, Hera.

 

HERA WYNN: I was talking about Carl!

 

ALICE DEE: I feel so purple right now.  Can you pass me the milk?

 

HERA WYNN: You mean, blue like you’re feeling down?

 

ALICE DEE: No, first I thought it was blue, but it really feels like purple.  Not like a lavender but more like a mauve.  Definitely not a violet.

 

MORAPHINE: I was feeling pretty lavender up until the group chat, but really there’s no reason to feel purple.  As long as we have our loyalists we can ride this out.

 

ALICE DEE: Hey, where’s the milk?

 

HERA WYNN: We’re all out.

 

ALICE DEE: Aww, man!

 

MORAPHINE: Yep, now I’m definitely feeling violet.

 

HERA WYNN: Moraphine, I asked you to put milk on the list.

 

MORAPHINE: No, you didn’t!

 

HERA WYNN: Uh, yeah I did.

 

MORAPHINE: Did I respond and make eye contact?

 

HERA WYNN: Yes, you did!  Because you responded and made eye contact!

 

MORAPHINE: Was I squinting?  Because that automatically means I was really high and unavailable.

 

HERA WYNN: You know what, forget it.  It looks like we’ll be taking the bus because it’s beer and cereal day!

 

ALICE DEE: Beer and Cereal!  (QUESTIONING) Beer and cereal? …Doesn’t it seem kind of perverse to pour beer in my kiddie marshmallow frosted unicorn rainbow flakes.

 

HERA WYNN: Yes, but it’s a right kind of wrong.

 

MORAPHINE: Cross-faded, here I come.  Mind grabbing me a raven?  I don’t want anything too hoppy.

 

[SOUND OF THE REFRIGERATOR OPENING AND BOTTLES BEING GRABBED.]

 

HERA WYNN: No problem.  It always makes my day when I get to use Mark.

 

[SOUND OF BOTTLES POPPING OPEN.]

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: So I named my beer can ring opener after the package thief.  I name most of the things I collect after the person I took it from.  Helps me to remember the moment.

 

TRIPP SISTERS CRIB – KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

 

HERA/ALICE/MORAPHINE: Dare to Party!

 

[BOTTLES ARE CLINKED.]

 

[THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]

 

MORAPHINE: Who would be knocking at the ungodly hour of 12:50?  Twelve minutes earlier we could still have been asleep.

 

ALICE DEE: Might be that little cookie slinger.  (KNOCKING AT DOOR)  I heard word she’s fierce.

 

MORAPHINE: Hmm… cookies… 

 

ALICE DEE: Pup said she hit up Crystal and Beth’s door last week (KNOCKING AT DOOR)  and only left with a box out of a dozen.

 

HERA WYNN: Tough cookie, so we don’t open the door for the little girl scout.

 

ALICE DEE: She’s actually not affiliated with the girl Scouts, she buys brand like what you can get at a grocery.

 

HERA WYNN: Huh, kid after our own heart.  That door is definitely staying shut.

 

[BRIEF SILENCE BROKEN BY…]

 

MORAPHINE: (OFF SCREEN) Thanks, kid.  Have a good one.

 

[SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR BEING CLOSED.]

 

HERA WYNN: Alice, when did she even get up?  Did you see her get up?

 

ALICE DEE: No.

 

MORAPHINE: Alright, I scored us some Mint Thins.

 

[SOUND OF COOKIE BOXES DROPPING ON THE TABLE.]

 

HERA WYNN: You realize, Mora, you just bought–!

 

ALICE DEE: Two… four… six… eight… ten.

 

HERA WYNN: Ten boxes of knock-off Thin Mint cookies? 

 

MORAPHINE: I knew that, but she said the taste is practically identical to the real thing.  Anyway, they were buy four get one free.  So obviously I paid for eight and got two free.

 

ALICE DEE: Why did you get ten of the same flavor?

 

MORAPHINE: They’re Mint Thins, I didn’t want to get the fat ones after what happened to Beth.

 

HERA WYNN: But, why ten?

 

MORAPHINE: The unaffiliated cookie girl said half of the proceeds go towards raising awareness for Salmon.

 

HERA WYNN: Whatever.  Next time around, that door is staying shut.  We have enough causes of our own we need to support.  Like raising awareness to the dangers of snorting microplastics.

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: What do I mean by that?  What I mean is Carl may be cutting his cocaine with edible glitter, but thanks to him coke heads now run the risk of unknowingly ingesting the real thing as we’re now seeing a string of emulators cutting their fairy dust with actual freaking glitter.  Picture small thin strips of sharp aluminum-coated plastic slicing away the lining of your nasal passages only to travel further up your sinuses.  Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it?  The victims tend to agree as the common side effect of snorting microplastics is severe burning, anguished crying, intense pain, heavy nasal bleeding, and a serious reevaluation of certain life choices.  But yet, in spite all of that —

 

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

 

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, TRAFFIC AND SEAGULLS.]

 

ALICE DEE: Do we got any of that fairy dust going around?  No, but we have scented glow-in-the-dark color-changing glitter putty.  You can collect the rainbow.  Allow me to demonstrate…

 

COKE HEAD: But with Glitter Dust I can not only collect the rainbow but be a rainbow?

 

ALICE DEE: (LISTENING) Uh-huh… valid point, but why snort the rainbow when you can hold the rainbow in the palms of your hand with our color-changing glitter putty? 

 

[SOUND OF ZIPPER OPENING AND RUMMAGING THROUGH BAG.]

 

ALICE DEE: They come with the purchase of — sorry, one sec, it’s kind of buried in my bag.  

(LOOKING THEN SOUND OF PAPER BAG)

Here it is.  Where’d she go?

 

MORAPHINE: She crossed the street while you were rummaging through your bag.  

 

ALICE DEE: Damn it, I’m sorry.  I’m still a little buzzed from this morning’s cereal.  I forgot where I put it.

 

HERA WYNN: It’s fine, she clearly wasn’t interested.  She’s gone to chase the end of the rainbow.

 

ALICE DEE: Oh, hey, potential customer! 

 

D-BAG: Give me all your shit!

 

MORAPHINE: Are you serious, bro?

 

D-BAG: Don’t make me have to use this? 

 

[KNIFE CLICKS OPEN.]

 

ALICE DEE: That’s such a cute knife!

 

[CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.]

 

ALICE DEE: But ours are bigger!

 

HERA WYNN: Now give us your shit!  

 

D-BAG: Whoa, whoa, look, I’m sorry!  

 

HERA WYNN: Knife on the ground, kick it towards us.

 

[THE KNIFE DROPS THEN SKATES ACROSS THE CONCRETE.]

 

D-BAG: Keep it, it’s yours.  I was bluffing. I didn’t even know how to use it.

 

MORAPHINE: Sure you were.  Now give us your phone, wallet, turn out your pockets.  C’mon, c’mon. We ain’t got all day.

 

ALICE DEE: Very good.  Let’s take a look at your ID…

 

[RIFLING THROUGH WALLET.]

 

ALICE DEE: Nice to meet you Jason of Tumwater.  I assume your address is current? 

 

D-BAG: Look I’m harmless–

 

ALICE DEE: I’ll take that as a yes. 

 

D-BAG: –you have my knife, you have my wallet, you know where I live.  As you can see, my pockets are empty.  What say you let me walk away unharmed?

 

ALICE DEE: Not so fast.  Hera, Mora, I just got a new knife, what do you guys want?

 

HERA WYNN: Aviators.

 

DOUCHE: C’mon, I just got those.

 

ALICE DEE: Funny, she just got those too.

 

HERA WYNN: How do I look?

 

ALICE DEE: Fly. 

 

MORAPHINE: Sweet jacket?  Is it leather?

 

D-BAG: (DISGRUNTLED) Vegan.

 

MORAPHINE: Even better.  Thanks, man.

 

HERA WYNN: Now beat it.

 

MORAPHINE: Go in peace. 

 

ALICE DEE: Bye, Jason. (TO SISTERS) Why is he walking backwards?

 

HERA WYNN: Yo, Ass-Face!  Forget how to walk? 

 

MORAPHINE: I think he thinks we’re going to stab him in the back if he turns around.

 

HERA WYNN/ALICE DEE: Huh. 

 

MORAPHINE: Hey, someone else is coming.

 

HERA WYNN: Can we help you? 

 

LADY CUSTOMER: I heard you’re selling?

 

ALICE DEE: Where’d you hear that?

 

LADY CUSTOMER: Tweaker Taylor.

 

MORAPHINE: Taylor’s cool with us.  Whatcha looking for? 

 

LADY CUSTOMER: Got any Krazy Kandy?

 

MORAPHINE: What?

 

ALICE DEE: Uh-oh. 

 

LADY CUSTOMER: You know ‘Devils Venom.’

 

MORAPHINE: Excuse me?

 

HERA WYNN: (AMUSED) Oh, shit man. 

 

LADY CUSTOMER: Synthetic marijuana.

 

MORAPHINE: Fuck off, you blasphemous K-2 Spice freak!  

 

[AFFRONTED GASP.]

 

MORAPHINE: Before I shove my foot so far up your–

 

INTERVIEW

 

ALICE DEE: Moraphine’s a purist.  You don’t spray insecticide on dried leaves and call it weed much like you wouldn’t piss on someone and call it rain.

 

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

 

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

 

MORAPHINE: Sorry, guys for losing us out on a new customer, I don’t know what came over me?

 

ALICE DEE: Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.  Especially Hera Wynn. 

 

HERA WYNN: Only when they deserve it.  Hey, maybe, this chick will be looking to score actual weed.  S’up.

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: (SMACKING LIPS) Hey, you guys selling?

 

MORAPHINE: (WARY) Depends on what you want? 

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: Can I get some butt-awns?

 

HERA WYNN: What?

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: (CHEWING GUM) Butt-awns.

 

MORAPHINE: I’m going to need a definition?

 

ALICE DEE: Oh!  You mean like buttons.

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: That’s what I said, butt-awns.

 

HERA WYNN: It’s pronounced buh-tnz.

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: Same difference.

 

MORAPHINE: Oxy–

 

HERA WYNN: –moron–

 

MORAPHINE: –codones coming right up.  That’ll be eighty bucks apiece.

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: Do you like price match, because I heard that guy over by the well is charging sixty?

 

MORAPHINE: You know what, I’ll do better.  I’ll give it to you for sixty and throw in a box of Mint Thins.

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: Deal.  I’ll take two, butt-awns.

 

ALICE DEE: You want that in a bag?

 

BUBBLE GUM GIRL: (SMACKING MOUTH) Sure, I’ll take a little beggie.

 

HERA WYNN: Here’s your– (EMPHASIZING) Baggie. 

 

ALICE DEE: Remember, Dare to Partay!

 

MORAPHINE: Ugh!  Another Price Matcher!

 

ALICE DEE: It’s like they’re trying to push our butt-awns.

 

HERA WYNN: What do we look like?!  Fucking (BLEEP) Mart?!

 

MORAPHINE: Fucking (BLEEP) Mart and their stupid low prices riding on the backs of underpaid hard-working people.

 

ALICE DEE: In terms of sales, how are we looking, Mora? 

 

MORAPHINE: Slow.  First three weeks of January when everyone’s still sticking to their New Years resolution — I’m going clean up and quit coke — slow.  Except for this time, no one’s quit.  They just stopped buying ours.

 

HERA WYNN: Oh! the aggravation!

 

INTERVIEW

 

MORAPHINE: I’m sure you’re wondering why not spare ourselves the irritation and join the ‘Glitter Fairy’ and his ‘Band of Feys.’ We have our reasons. 

 

ALICE DEE: Our drugs are sold as pure and unadulterated as we got them, and setting aside the morally reprehensible aspect of cutting our cocaine with a product of unknown consequences we’re not about to knock off Carl’s hustle and give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s outselling us.  We’re better than that.

 

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – CONTINUOUS

 

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

 

ALICE DEE: At least we have our loyalists to stick by us during this dry season.

 

HERA WYNN: Well, whoop-dee-fucking-doo!  Can they make up for our lost sales?  I don’t think so.

 

[PHONE DINGS.]

 

MORAPHINE: Hold up, Dig-Doug texted.  Uh-oh…

 

HERA WYNN: What?  What now?

 

MORAPHINE: We just lost a few of our high ticket coke-heads.  

 

INTERVIEW

 

ALICE DEE: What was I talking about?!  We’re dealing with junkies!  Their loyalties lie only with their next fix.

 

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – CONTINUOUS

 

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

 

HERA WYNN: High ticket as in… 

 

MORAPHINE: Joe Blow.

 

HERA WYNN: Joe Blow?!  He makes up a good percentage of our weekly revenue! God!

 

ALICE DEE: Who else did we lose?

 

MORAPHINE: Crack Jack…

 

HERA WYNN: Damn it! 

 

ALICE DEE: Not Crack Jack!

 

MORAPHINE: Cola Lola…

 

HERA WYNN: Shit! 

 

ALICE DEE: Oh, Lola!

 

MORAPHINE: Candy Spice.

 

HERA WYNN: Fuck! 

 

ALICE DEE: Not–!

 

HERA WYNN: Say it and die, Alice!

 

ALICE DEE: (WHINES) And they called themselves friends!

 

HERA WYNN: Evidently, we have no friends in this business.  Mora, please tell me you got to the end of the list. 

 

MORAPHINE: One more, Bella La Gucci.

 

ALICE DEE: Bella La Gucci–! 

 

HERA WYNN: Is dead.  To.  Us! 

 

MORAPHINE: Hera Wynn, dude, take a chill pill.

 

HERA WYNN: (SLOW ERUPTION) Stop telling me to take a chill pill.  Because of you, people keep asking if I sell any!

 

ALICE DEE: But how can this be?!  We have the best drugs in town!

 

MORAPHINE: Their habits are expensive.  They’re thinking quantity over quality. 

 

HERA WYNN: Where does that leave us?!  We can’t wait for them to come around to their senses. 

 

ALICE DEE: Yeah, they’re junkies!  They take drugs to dull their senses!

 

HERA WYNN: Well, fuck!

 

ALICE DEE: What are we going to do? 

 

MORAPHINE: You know what, it’s been a day.  How about we just catch the next bus, take a ride home, and take the night off to regroup.  The groupies can handle the streets.

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: Our night off consisted of drinking through our supply of beer and most of our vodka.  Consequently, we awoke the next day nursing nasty hangovers.  If only the day had ended there…

 

TRIPP SISTER’S CRIB – LIVING ROOM – AFTERNOON

 

HERA WYNN: What was that ingenious solution we came up with last night to handle the Carl situation?

 

ALICE DEE: I think we decided to have him whacked and then thrown into the sound.

 

HERA WYNN: Right. 

 

MORAPHINE: Oh, right.  Yeah, let’s not do that.  Violence begets violence and all that and we don’t really want to set a precedence.  Nobody wants to go around worrying about having a hit on our heads.  Wait, hey… wasn’t there something you told me to remember…?  Something to do with Scorpio…?

 

HERA WYNN: Yes.  Next Tuesday we’re supposed to pick up some more party supplies from him. 

 

MORAPHINE: Tuesdays not good for me, my horoscope said so.  Wednesday’s fine.

 

ALICE DEE: What day is it today?

 

HERA WYNN: Rain day.

 

[PAUSE TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF RAIN IN THE BACKGROUND.]

 

ALICE DEE: Oh, right.  Then tomorrow we’re making that drop by the pier?

 

HERA WYNN: No, that was today. 

 

MORAPHINE: Can we talk more about this tomorrow it’s like… ten o’clock…

 

HERA WYNN: In the morning. 

 

ALICE DEE: No, it’s not.  It’s eleven fifty in the morning.

 

MORAPHINE: So I rounded down.

 

ALICE DEE: By like a lot.

 

MORAPHINE: Sue me, I’m having time skips.

 

INTERVIEW

 

MORAPHINE: Time skips is what we in the community consider a side effect of smoking too much weed.  I like to think of it as a fun bonus.

 

TRIPP SISTER’S CRIB – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

 

HERA WYNN: So what?  You travel back in time now?

 

MORAPHINE: No, I’m just baked!  Can’t we just chill and dispatch a groupie?

 

HERA WYNN: We have to keep a presence on the streets if we want to take back our turf.  We’re drug dealers, it’s in our job description!

 

MORAPHINE: (DESPERATE) Come on, Hera, it’s rain day.

 

HERA WYNN: So?  Every day is rain day.  

 

[CUE BACKGROUND RAIN.]

 

[THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]

 

HERA WYNN/ Moraphine: Oww!

 

Moraphine: My head feels like it’s going to explode!

 

HERA WYNN: Alice, can you get that?  My head is pounding, almost as hard as they’re hitting the door!

 

ALICE DEE: Sure. 

 

HERA WYNN: Where is the hair of the dog that bit me?  Where is the hair!

 

MORAPHINE: Please, tone it down, Hera.  And we drank all the beer.

 

HERA WYNN: Damn!  Then what are we going to pour into our cereal?

 

MORAPHINE: We have no choice but to eat it dry.

 

HERA WYNN: But all we have are wheat nuts?

 

MORAPHINE: I guess we could soak them in a little water so we don’t crack a tooth?  Sweeten it with some honey.

 

HERA WYNN: Don’t be ridiculous, we still have some vodka chilling in the freezer.  We’ll soak the wheat nuts with that and then we’ll make a grocery list for Pup to pick up.

(FRONT DOOR CLOSES.  CALLING OUT TO ALICE) Alice, who was that?

 

ALICE DEE: Don’t hate me but I bought a little more than I should have.

 

MORAPHINE: Bought what?  And how much more?

 

HERA WYNN: What are you even talking about? 

 

ALICE DEE: The little cookie slinger said she needed to sell fifty so she can meet her goal.

 

HERA WYNN: Fifty?! Oh, I feel sick!

 

MORAPHINE: For 12 bucks a box.  That’s like… (CALCULATING) six hundred dollars!

 

HERA WYNN: (GASP IN DISBELIEF) Why would you spend that much on knock-off cookies?!

 

ALICE: I didn’t know the price.  I wasn’t carrying any cash so I just asked if she would take card.  And she just took my card and tapped it on her machine so there wasn’t anything to sign.  I asked for a receipt but she said I should have asked earlier because she already skipped the prompt.

 

HERA WYNN: Call her back and return them now!

 

ALICE DEE: But, she said no take-backs.

 

MORAPHINE: Damn it, looks like we’re locked in. 

 

HERA WYNN: What are you eight?!  She doesn’t get a choice.  She’s taking them back.

 

ALICE DEE: That’s the thing, the second the card went through she phoned her mom who rolled up in a van and delivered all fifty boxes on the front porch.

 

MORAPHINE: Okay, this is bad, but it’s not terrible.

 

HERA WYNN: (INTERJECTING) By what standards is this not terrible?! Oh my head. (WHINES)

 

MORAPHINE: Did you at least get my Mint Thins?

 

HERA WYNN: (SCOFFS) Uh!  Priorities!

 

MORAPHINE: I need sustenance!  I’m looking at vodka-soaked wheat nuts as my only breakfast option because you made me sacrifice all my Mint Thins as a sale tool.

 

HERA WYNN: Well, thanks for your noble sacrifice.

 

MORAPHINE: You’re welcome. 

 

ALICE DEE: Sorry, Moraphine, she was all out of every cookie except lemon thins.

 

MORAPHINE: Aww, man!  Just my luck! 

 

HERA WYNN: Lemon!  She just tricked you into buying the one flavor nobody wants! (GROANING) Why is this happening?! 

 

MORAPHINE: Stay calm, half the proceeds are going towards raising awareness for Salmon.  A good charitable deed worthy of a tax break from the universe.

 

[THE SOUND OF A BOX OF COOKIES.]

 

ALICE DEE: Salmon?  She told me a quarter of the proceeds were going towards the disabled children’s art program?

 

MORAPHINE: Alright, even better.  Two worthy causes.

 

HERA WYNN: Enh!  Wrong answer!  

 

MORAPHINE: (GROANS) Ugh.  Can you get any louder Hera?

 

HERA WYNN: (SIGH) Yeah, I know I hurt my own head.  Don’t you see?  The only donation you made was to her pocket. 

 

MORAPHINE: That little bull shitter’s been feeding us lies! (SHAKING COOKIE BOX) Delicious lies!

 

ALICE DEE: Man, we’re lucky she’s a child because if  she was our age and in our line of work we wouldn’t stand a chance.

 

HERA WYNN: So, not only are we getting outsold by Carl we are now getting scammed by a child?!

 

MORAPHINE: Odd turn of events, am I right? 

 

HERA WYNN: You two keep away from that door.  The next time she comes around I’m dealing with her.

 

ALICE DEE: Fair.  So… lemon cookies for breakfast?

 

HERA WYNN: Apparently.

 

MORAPHINE: Anything but vodka-infused wheat nuts.

 

HERA WYNN: Speak for yourself.

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: What did we do with the fifty boxes of lemon thins?  We ate as much as we could stand–

 

MORAPHINE: Ugh!  So many cookies.

 

HERA WYNN: — we saved a few for the next Groupie meeting, and with the rest, we had ourselves a little ‘baked’ sale.

 

ALICE DEE: Buy an ounce of weed and get a stack of our delicious Lemon Skinnie’s, each delicately wrapped and tied up with a pretty bow.  Grandma’s recipe.

 

MORAPHINE: Technically not a lie, the box said it’s made from someone’s Grandma. 

 

HERA WYNN: Most importantly, all profits went to a worthy cause, ours.  By throwing our little ‘baked’ sale, we managed to not only break even after a few sales, but we made a nice profit despite the many price matches requested.  Did it make us even with the kid?  Hell no.  Did we see the kid again?  You bet.

 

TRIPP SISTERS FRONT DOOR – MORNING

 

[KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR. DOOR OPENS.]

 

HERA WYNN: Who goes?!

 

GIRL SCOUT: Hi, I’m…

 

HERA WYNN: Not interested.

 

[DOOR CLOSES.]

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: She returned again.

 

TRIPP SISTERS FRONT DOOR – MORNING

 

[KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.]

 

HERA WYNN: Yes?

 

GIRL SCOUT: Hi, I was hoping to speak to the nice girl I spoke to last time.

 

HERA WYNN: I’m sorry but she’s not available to play today.

 

GIRL SCOUT: Where is the other girl, the hippie, can I talk to her?

 

HERA WYNN: She’s unavailable either.

 

GIRL SCOUT: How about tomorrow?

 

HERA WYNN: Actually what I meant to say was you’re taking advantage of my sisters and they no longer want to play your games.  Bye-bye, now.

 

[DOOR SHUTS.]

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: And again. 

 

TRIPP SISTER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

 

[HOUSE NOISES, DISTANT SOUND OF RAIN AND TELEVISION PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

 

HERA WYNN: (PANTING AND OUT OF BREATH) No one get that!

 

ALICE DEE: Get what?

 

[KNOCK ON DOOR.]

 

MORAPHINE: Not a problem, I wasn’t planning to move from this couch anyway.

 

HERA WYNN: That’s my new little friend.

 

ALICE DEE: Or Pup dropping off our groceries since it’s later in the day.  

 

HERA WYNN: No, it’s the kid.

 

ALICE DEE: Why are you so out of breath? 

 

HERA WYNN: I was delivering a special brownie — give me a second here — (CATCHING BREATH) To old Mrs. Edna when I spotted the girl scout who saw me and peeled out on her bike.  I ran down a couple of back alleys and through the back door, just so I could get here first.

 

[KNOCKS GROW LOUDER.]

 

HERA WYNN: (INHALE, EXHALE) Now if you’ll excuse me.  (UNDER BREATH) Oh fuck.

 

MORAPHINE: Hey, Alice, what do you get when you mix Hera Wynn and Girl Scout cookies?

 

ALICE DEE: What?

 

MORAPHINE: (LAUGHING) A-bombed.

 

ALICE DEE: (LAUGH) That’s what you get when, you mix Heroin with marijuana, good one.

 

MORAPHINE: I thought so.

 

[KNOCKING TURNS INTO BANGING.]

 

TRIPP SISTERS FRONT DOOR – DAY

 

[SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR OPENING.]

 

GIRL SCOUT: (SURPRISED) You again?  But you were all the way across…?  How did you…?

 

HERA WYNN: Don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve been here the whole time. 

 

GIRL SCOUT: Who are you?

 

HERA WYNN: The original girl scout.  Now if you’ll excuse me.

 

[ WE HEAR A THUNK!]

 

GIRL SCOUT: Hold up, I have lemon cookies.

 

HERA WYNN: Did you just stick your foot in my door so I can’t close it?

 

GIRL SCOUT: Or your closing the door on my foot and I’m liable to sue. 

 

HERA WYNN: What did you say your name was?

 

GIRL SCOUT: I didn’t but the names, “Conscious.”

 

HERA WYNN: Conscious?

 

GIRL SCOUT: My parents wanted me to be self-aware.

 

HERA WYNN: Then I assume you’re aware that you’re annoying and what you’re doing is wrong?!

 

GIRL SCOUT: Noted.  So you going to buy my lemon cookies or not?  My foot’s starting to throb.

 

HERA WYNN: I don’t like your freaking lemon cookies.

 

GIRL SCOUT: In that case, I have butterscotch.

 

HERA WYNN: I don’t like butterscotch.

 

GIRL SCOUT: But, I have peanut butter.

 

HERA WYNN: I’m allergic to peanut butter do you want me to die?

 

GIRL SCOUT: Well, I have cinnamon?

 

HERA WYNN: No, No, and No.

 

GIRL SCOUT: Mint Thins?

 

HERA WYNN: I don’t want any of your freaking cookies, kid! 

 

GIRL SCOUT: I have candy.  What about some Gummy Bears?

 

HERA WYNN: I don’t have any cash.

 

GIRL SCOUT: I take Pay-Mate.

 

HERA WYNN: Fine, I’ll make you a deal.  I will buy one bag of Gummy Bears and a box of Mint Thins if you don’t show your cute little face around here anymore.

 

GIRL SCOUT: How about I make you a deal.  Every box of cookies you buy will be the equivalent of how many weeks I’ll stay away.

 

HERA WYNN: Deal.

 

CONSCIOUS: Nice doing– 

 

[FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]

 

TRIPP SISTER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

 

MORAPHINE: Why do you have a bag of candy and two boxes of Mint Thins?

 

HERA WYNN: These are bargain cookies.  Two boxes for two weeks of her not coming around.  I bought us time.

 

[KNOCK AT DOOR.]

 

ALICE DEE: Seems she’s a compulsive liar.

 

HERA WYNN: Ugh!  I’ll handle this.

 

MORAPHINE: Not really seeing how you got this handled.

 

ALICE DEE: Want to go watch?

 

MORAPHINE: Wouldn’t miss it. 

 

TRIPP SISTERS FRONT DOOR – MOMENTS LATER

 

[FRONT DOOR OPENS.]

 

HERA WYNN: (SNAPPING) What?!  (RELAXED) Oh, Pup, it’s you.

 

MORAPHINE: Aww, man.

 

ALICE DEE: What a letdown.

 

PUP: (ENTHUSIASTIC) Hi.

 

ALICE DEE: Why are you smiling so big?

 

MORAPHINE: You’re kind of creeping me out.

 

PUP: Sorry.

 

MORAPHINE: You’re still doing it. 

 

HERA WYNN: Why are you only wearing an undershirt?  What happened to your shirt?  I thought we discussed dress code at our last meeting.  Remember, we want to sell drugs, not look like we’re selling drugs.

 

PUP: (UPBEAT, UNPERTURBED) I found a stray kitty-cat on the side of the road and I wrapped it in my flannel.  It’s asleep in the passenger seat of my truck if you want to come see.

 

ALICE DEE: (GUSHING) A little-bitty kitty!  Boy or girl?

 

PUP: (SWEETLY) Girl, I think.  I like little girls.  Once I put these groceries away for you you can come and meet her?

 

HERA WYNN: Say, Pup, you don’t happen to own a pair of khakis do you?

 

PUP: Sure do, why?

 

INTERVIEW

 

HERA WYNN: Let’s just say Pup was dressed for the occasion in his white undershirt, khakis, and sociable smile when little Conscious came around after the two weeks were up.

 

TRIPP SISTERS FRONT DOOR – AFTERNOON

 

[AS DOOR’S OPENING…]

 

CONSCIOUS: Should I put you down for another two–

 

[ABRUPT HORRIFIED GASP!]

 

PUP: (CREEPY) Well, hello there.  Aren’t you a pretty little girl, so little.  Don’t you look cute in that dress?  I bet you got something sweet for me.

 

INTERVIEW

 

ALICE DEE: Picture Danny Elfman, the lead singer in Oingo Boingo, dressed in the band’s music video “I love Little Girls” and that’s what Pup looked like down to the undershirt and khakis.    

 

HERA WYNN: Needless to say, Conscious hasn’t been seen anywhere near our street and Pup now has a new founded aversion to both Oingo Boingo and unaffiliated or affiliated Girl Scout cookies

 

MORAPHINE: Were we just feuding with the cookie slinger to keep from dealing with the bigger issue on hand?  Maybe.

 

HERA WYNN: Did it make me feel any better defeating the kid?  Yes, yes it did.

 

ALICE DEE: Any regrets for possibly scarring a child for life?  Hmm… none that I can say.

 

MORAPHINE: Regrets?  Eating all those cookies.

 

ALICE DEE: Disclosure: eating two boxes of Lemon thins all to yourself doesn’t make you thin, it does quite the opposite in fact.

 

MORAPHINE: Suffice to say, we’ll all be wearing overalls for the next two weeks.

 

ALICE DEE: Was that all that we learned?  No.  Thanks to Conscious we realized that we have been playing Carl’s game all along when we really should have been playing by our own.  The big difference is, we don’t play by any rules, we like to make them up as we go.

 

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

 

[OUTRO]

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[INTRO]

HERA WYNN: Radioactive Skittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price. Guest-starring Any L. Price.

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Are we taking Carl’s declaration of a turf war seriously?  That’s a hard no since the Big Dork has nothing on us.  Like the size of his dick, he’s exaggerated how big of a hold he has on this city.

HERA WYNN: Carl couldn’t get it on even if he wanted to.  No more ‘Bangin’ Hooch’ for him and clubbing it up with the junkies.  Those days are gone.  Forgotten history.  As far as Big D’s concerned, he’s left totally impotent.  

MORAPHINE: Carl thought there was no way our little ‘girly gossip’ was going to affect his illicit business. The funny thing about rumors of venereal diseases is that they spread just as fast as the real thing.

PIER – OLYMPIA, WA – AFTERNOON

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, SEAGULLS AND AND LIGHT TRAFFIC IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[CUE SOUND OF SQUEAKING MICE IN THE BACKGROUND.]

CHERRIE: Hey, Pugent Sound Girls!

CARRIE: Hey, girlfriends.

ALICE DEE: Check it, it’s Cherrie and Carrie with the rest of the Bell-view girls!  What a surprise to see you here at the pier! 

CHERRIE: Long time no see.

ALICE DEE: I thought you’d be in Seattle riding the S.L.U.T.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: It’s not as bad as it sounds.  The S.L.U.T. is an improperly named and hilariously abbreviated streetcar which stands for South Lake Union Trolley a.k.a. the S.L.U.T.

ALICE DEE: I meant what I said.

PIER – OLYMPIA, WA – AFTERNOON

[BACKGROUND SOUND CONTINUOUS.]

MORAPHINE: What brings you to the port?

CHERRIE: We’ve been looking around for you like all day.

ALICE DEE: But, it’s only noon… 

CARRIE: So, like, we just heard that shady fuggo we bought our party stuff from just came out of prison so we heard his shits no good.

ALICE DEE: Was that before or after you ingested the shit that Big D boofed.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: What does boofed mean?  Simply put, to boofed is to boof.  Boofing, a verb, is the act of hiding or smuggling drugs up your ass.  But if you have a vag, the most popular way of making drugs disappear is by poofing it.  Like “poof” gone.  

PIER – OLYMPIA, WA – AFTERNOON

[SOUND OF MICE SQUEAKING, LIGHT RAIN, SEAGULLS AND AND LIGHT TRAFFIC IN THE BACKGROUND.]

CHERRIE: I don’t, like, wanna talk about it.

CARRIE: Rather not say. 

MORAPHINE: See, I keep telling people, you never base the quality of other party brands by their discounts, except for us, I can guarantee you we meet the highest standards.  Boofed free.

CHERRIE: Hella true.  So, we’re like jonesing for some coke and maybe some California Sunshine for the weekend…

HERA WYNN: Sure, spit and die white bitch?

[CHERRIE AND CARRIE GASP.]

[ALL THE BACKGROUND CHATTER ENDS ABRUPTLY.]

MORAPHINE: You know, spit and dies, acid tabs.  Coke, white bitch.

CHERRIE: Oh, Sound Girl, you’re so funny!

CARRIE: Savage. 

HERA WYNN: I thought so too.  The usual amount?

CHERRIE: Uh-huh.  Think you can hook us up with our usual friends discount?

CARRIE: Fam.

ALICE DEE: Sorry, friend discounts are only for loyal customers.

CARRIE: Uh, We like swear to God, we’ll never buy from anyone else again and we’ll like totes tell everyone too.

HERA WYNN: Well, we totes appreciate it, girlfriends.  Here you go, have fun.

CHERRIE: Totes will.  Byee!

CARRIE: Thanks, girlfriends.  Byee!

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: It’s been a minute since the Bell-View Girls came crawling back along with our other customers who had been led astray and we still haven’t seen any movement in Carl’s, “Turf War.” For those listening who can’t see my fingers, I just made air quotes.

MORAPHINE: Yeah, Carl, is still slinging but he’s nothing to worry about.  The last time I heard he’s doing little pathetic marketing schemes.  Just the other night downtown…

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – NIGHT

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, TRAFFIC AND SEAGULLS.]

ALICE DEE: (SINGING HAPPILY) Cha-ching!  ‘Cause, the rumor is catch-ing and we’re getting all our customers back… -ing.

HERA WYNN: Alice, we’ve talked about this!  When we’re walking the streets downtown at night  walk like a normal person.

ALICE DEE: But I like dancing to the music in my head.

HERA WYNN: I know you do, but you’re not really giving out badass lady drug dealer vibes right now.

[THE PHONE RINGS.]

MORAPHINE: Sup, Dig-Doug.

ALICE DEE: And now our phones are ring-ing…

HERA WYNN: At least try not to run into the tourists for god’s sake!  

ALICE DEE: So I’ll keep on sing-ing.

HERA WYNN: If you keep on singing then I’m going to start smack-ing.

MORAPHINE: Quiet it down, I can’t hear Dig-Doug on the phone.

ALICE DEE: (STILL SINGING) Okay, I am stopp-ing.  This is the end-ing.  (RUSHED) Okay, okay, I’m done.  I’m done.  Just put your hand down, Hera.

MORAPHINE: Dougie, have you been making sure to push the new duckie tabs we just got in.

ALICE DEE: What new tabs?

HERA WYNN: These ones.

ALICE DEE: (SHRIEKING) Oh my God, duckies!

HERA WYNN: Alice Dee, you yelled that way too close to my ear!

MORAPHINE: Your ears?  (SNAPPING) I lost hearing in my left!  Hold on, Dig-Doug let me switch you over to the ear I can still hear out of.  Sorry, Dig-Doug, you were saying?

ALICE DEE: When did we get the duckies in?

HERA WYNN: On Monday.  When I showed them to you last?

ALICE DEE: All I know is I was gone on a free trip till Tuesday.

HERA WYNN: Then the least you can do is leave a note.

ALICE DEE: I, like, would, but I never know how long I’ll be gone. 

[HERA GROANS IN IRRITATION.]

MORAPHINE: Thanks for the heads up, Dig-Dug.  Keep me posted.

ALICE DEE: What did Dougie say?

MORAPHINE: He reported ringing in his ears from your outburst and my hearing in my left has yet to come back, thanks for your concern.

HERA WYNN: Mora.  Importantly? 

MORAPHINE: Importantly, blotters are starting to pop up with popular K-pop bands for about ten dollars a pop.

ALICE DEE: That’s a lot of pops!  Wait… we’ve been K-popped?!

MORAPHINE: Looks like it.  He’s out-selling us in tabs.

HERA WYNN: Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.  So, the big dweeb is picking up some of our spare pocket change, no biggie.  He’s got nothing on us.  We can afford the charity.

ALICE DEE: Fuck charity.  We can outdo him.

MORAPHINE: You’re missing the point, he doesn’t need our charity.  He’s using gimmicks to attract customers.

ALICE DEE: What kind of gimmicks?

MORAPHINE: Promotions like buy some ecstasy and get a condom, by so many tabs of LSD and get a row of stickers or something lame like that.  I don’t know the specifics because thanks to you, Alice Dee, Dig-Doug was hard to hear.

HERA WYNN: Promotions?  Any dopehead could get that stuff from any one of the corner stores down here.

MORAPHINE: Exactly, which is why we have to take back the market fast.

ALICE DEE: So what dark corner is he selling from now?

MORAPHINE: Not a dark corner, in broad daylight.  He’s selling over at the Artesian Well.  Oh, good, I actually heard that with my left ear.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: What’s the Artesian Well?  Well, it’s a well which comes from… um…

MORAPHINE: An Artesian Aquifer that provides enough pressure for the water to reach the surface which is perfect for a tap.

HERA WYNN: There used to be a park open for the public around the Artesian Well, but due to violence it closed and was fenced off.  Of course, the violence only moved elsewhere. 

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – NIGHT

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, TRAFFIC AND SEAGULLS.]

HERA WYNN: (SCOFFS) Psch!  The well?  So he’s been reduced to peddling in the teensy area not blocked off with all the other small-time dealers hanging around there?  We’ve got nothing to worry about.

ALICE DEE: Even so, how do we up him?

MORAPHINE: Simple.  We’ll annihilate his ass through clever marketing strategies and charm. 

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: And we got our chance at (BLEEP) Mart.

BLEEP MART – PARKING LOT – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Guys, guys!  There’s this killer fight going down at the south end of the parking lot!  We have to see this!

ALICE DEE: South end?  Is that where the fight over the last bag of Hot Wings is taking place?

HERA WYNN: This one’s even better!  

MORAPHINE: Better than Hot Wings?  I heard someone’s missing teeth. 

HERA WYNN: No listen!  This married man just bumped into his side piece who he found fucking his wife’s boyfriend in their Volkswagen while his wife watched on.

ALICE DEE: No way!  How large is this van?

MORAPHINE: Where’d you hear about this, Hera Wynn?

HERA WYNN: The screaming match between husband and wife carried all the way over to where I was selling.  Now get your asses in the minivan or we’re going to miss the blood bath.

[SOUND OF VAN DOORS SHUTTING, ENGINE TURNING ON AND REVVING.]

BLEEP MART – SOUTH PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUOUS WITH CAR SOUNDS AND WINDSHIELD WIPERS.]

HERA WYNN: The fight was beginning somewhere over here.  Keep your eyes out for a group of people.

MORAPHINE: I see the Volkswagen but where are the adulterers?

ALICE DEE: Over there with Carl!

HERA WYNN/MORAPHINE: Carl?

ALICE DEE: Eww.  He’s the sidepiece?

HERA WYNN: Why the fuck is Carl selling on the south end of (BLEEP) Mart?  We own this fucking parking lot.

MORAPHINE: That ingenious bastard!  He’s using their lover’s spat to his own advantage.  He’s probably trying to push them some Stacy and MJ to diffuse the situation.

ALICE DEE: Stacy and MJ…?  That’d make one… two… six of them!  (GASP) That would make them a sextuple!  Wait, when did Carl become a pimp?

HERA WYNN: Keep up, Alice Dee, he’s trying to sell them drugs out of the back of his trunk, not people!  (RATIONALIZING) Whatever, it’s cool.  There’s three of us and only one of him.  We’ll send his ass slinking back to the artesian well where he belongs.

ALICE DEE: Hold up, he broke up a (BLEEP) Mart fight for a sale?!  But, that’s not the way of (BLEEP) Mart!  A peaceful resolution to a (BLEEP) Mart fight is like a violation of nature!  These unhallowed grounds cry out for blood, damn it!

HERA WYNN: Nature be damned.  We’re going to go outsell that bastard, come on.

 CARL: (IN THE DISTANCE) Better to bed than wed as I always say.

JERRY: Uhh… Uh-huh.

[CARL LAUGHING.]

CARL: (UPON SEEING THE TRIPP SISTERS) Well, if it isn’t a visit from the Tripp sisters.  A little late to the party, ladies.  I’m helping my freaky friends at the moment but I’ll be with you in just a few because as you can see I’m busy.  (BACK TO BUSINESS) So, listen to Big D, Jerry, I hear you’re the one hesitant about this little ménageàtrois turning into a ménageàquatre so it’s your call but I’m telling ya, a love drug is a solution to your problem. 

MORAPHINE: He’s right, Jerry.

JERRY: Oh.

CARL: Huh? 

MORAPHINE: A solution to your problem is a peacemaker and I happen to have some on hand, in this bag.  I was saving this stuff for personal use later, but what the hell.  I’m feeling generous.

CARL: Bup, bup, bup.  This is a closed sale, sweetheart.  Now Jerry and friends, buy some from me and I’ll throw in a row of scratch and sniff stickers.

MÉNAGE À TROIS : Hmmm?

HERA WYNN: Those are still a thing?

ALICE DEE: Scratch and sniffs?  You got any buttery popcorn-scented stickers?!

HERA WYNN: Why?  You buying?

ALICE DEE: I was just curious.  Damn.

CARL: As it just so happens I do have buttery popcorn scratch and sniffs.  Here’s a sticker on the house, Jerry.  Go ahead, give it a scratch.

JERRY: Hmm. 

MORAPHINE: Wow, those retro stickers are cool, man, but we got some stuff to stimulate all your senses.  Check it, here’s the freebies you get with the purchase of our ‘party favor.’

ALICE DEE: We got old-school candy, the non-drug kind.  Not only can you sniff it, if so inclined, but it fizzes in your mouth, we’re talking ‘90s throwback.  Instant, sugar high.

CARL: If it’s candy you want, I got dipsticks that changes color in your mouth.

MÉNAGE À TROIS: (EXCLAMATION OF ADMIRATION) Ooh!

ALICE DEE: Keep your dipsticks, dipshit.  We got poppin’ candy too.  It’s like fireworks in your mouth, it’ll blow your mind.  You haven’t lived until you tasted blue. 

MÉNAGE À TROIS: (EXCLAMATION OF ADMIRATION) Ooh!

CARL: I-I-I’ve got super stretch toys.  Stress relief and a good high guaranteed.

HERA WYNN: We’ve got throwback toys too, scented glitter putty.

MENAGE A TROIS: (EXCLAMATION OF ADMIRATION) Wow!

CARL: Huh.  Glitter…

ALICE DEE: Yeah, that’s right, glitter. 

HERA WYNN: We have a limited supply, only four left.  Get one with the purchase of two ecstasy pills.  And don’t worry about not getting your favorite color, they’re color-changing plus they glow-in-the-dark.

JERRY: (GASP) Awesome!

ALICE DEE: So for a putty each, because it’s not fun if you have to share, that’d be… eight pills.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: How much does a pill regularly go for?  Fifteen to twenty-five depending on the quality.  How much do we normally charge?  Twenty-five.  What did we charge the foursome?  Thirty-five a pill. 

HERA WYNN: If we were going to have to go out of our way to find glow-in-the-dark color-changing scented freaking putty you better fucking believe we were going to get our money’s worth.

ALICE DEE: We might have upped our prices but we sweetened the deal with candy.

BLEEP MART – SOUTH PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Oh, and disclaimer, the fruity scents are misleading.  Although they smell really good the taste is horrible and you could like totally choke and expire.  That’d be like a total trip killer.  So don’t put them in your mouths.

JERRY: Okay.

CARL: Well-well, you’re going to want some weed to go with that and I’m having a sale.  I’ll give you 15 percent off an ounce and I’ll throw in a sucker to help ward off cottonmouth.

MÉNAGE À TROIS: (THINKING IT OVER) Hmm…? 

HERA WYNN: Yeah, that’s great and all, Carl, but we forget to mention that for every ounce of weed purchased–

MORAPHINE: You’ll get a five-dollar gift card to your choice of eaterie downtown.

JERRY: Alright!

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: So we charged them five maybe eight more than we usually do for our grass.  Nothings free.

BLEEP MART – SOUTH PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

MORAPHINE: That’s right when you buy from us not only are you supporting our local business ‘Dare to Party ‘ but those local eateries who have been hit hard through these dark and difficult times.

MÉNAGE À TROIS: Oh!

JERRY: I only carry about fifty in cash.  Do you take card?

MORAPHINE: Of course, we do, Jerry.

JERRY: Sweet!

MORAPHINE: Alice.

ALICE DEE: Walk, with me, Jerry.  Bring your, uh, partners with you.  

CARL: What!?  Just like that!  You’ve been played!  Their shits inflated, I would have actually given you a great deal!

MORAPHINE: Rejected by a fourgie, that’s got to hurt your manhood.

CARL: I had an in until you bitches cock blocked me!

HERA WYNN: Did you, Carl, did you?  Because all I’m hearing are excuses as to why you can’t perform.

MORAPHINE: Don’t feel too bad, Carl, not everyone can leave their customers feeling satisfied.  Maybe, it’s not in you.

CARL: Oh, it’s in me.

MORAPHINE: Psch!  You just–

CARL: Shut up, I heard that!  Consider it on.

MORAPHINE: Yeah, okay.

CARL: Whatever!  Fuck you bitches, Big D’s out!

HERA WYNN: Might I suggest a Viagra next time?!  I’d hate for you to embarrass yourself, again!

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: So, it turns out Big D’s not so lame… at least when properly provoked.  We found that out at our local college when we went to sprinkle our ‘party supplies’ over at the campus one evening.

COLLEGE CAMPUS – EVENING

[SOUND OF BACKGROUND CHATTER AND LIGHT RAIN.]

ALICE DEE: Geoducks?  Umm… I’m afraid I don’t have any geoduck tabs–

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Goey-duck spelt like Geo-duck, is a local clam which remarkably resembles a giant penis.  Don’t believe me, Google it.  You’d be surprised how many people around here would request to have a giant penis clam printed on blotter paper.

COLLEGE CAMPUS – EVENING

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

ALICE DEE: –but we did get in tabs with adorable little duckies.  They are so cute I could just eat them all up, but then I’d like totally overdose so I don’t recommend doing that.

COLLEGE STUDENT: I’d like a row. 

[CHA-CHING.]

ALICE DEE: Awesome, here you go.  Remember, ‘Dare to Partay!’  (TO SISTERS) Hey, guys!  I’m all out of tabs.  

HERA WYNN: At this rate, we should be sold out in time before the colony of nudists gather in the woods to bask under the moonlight.  Speaking of which, someone please remind me, I need to refill my pepper spray canister when we get home.  

MORAPHINE: Hi there.

COLLEGE STUDENT: Got any blow? 

MORAPHINE: Do I have coke?  I sure do my good greener.  They come in refillable vials.  They’re our part in reducing the carbon print, Alice.

ALICE DEE: They come in holographic vials so you can collect the rainbow.

MORAPHINE: We even offer a discount for refills to help reduce plastic in the environment.

COLLEGE STUDENT: Sounds good.  How much?

MORAPHINE: Fifteen a vial.

COLLEGE STUDENT: I’ll take two.

[CHA-CHING.]

MORAPHINE: Nice doing business with ya.  ‘Member, dare to party.

CARL: (laughing) Heyyy, that’s cool.

ALICE DEE: Well hello there, Carl.

HERA WYNN: Who let a sleaze like you on the campus?

CARL: I just passed a colony of nudists on the path up here, this place doesn’t exactly screen.

MORAPHINE: Oh, man!  I’m still traumatized from their last yoga practice.

ALICE DEE: So many naked bodies.

MORAPHINE: Anyway, good luck trying to peddle your K-Pop here.  Everyone knows it’s indie region. 

CARL: Not here for that.  I’m here to make the big money.

HERA WYNN: Aww, did you bring your toys, because like back in grade school you’re going to quickly find out no one wants to play with you.

CARL: Ha, ha. Ha. ha.  I’m over it.  I’m thinking next-level shit.  Behold, Glitter Dust!  Collect the rainbow.

COLLEGE STUDENTS: Wow!

ALICE DEE: (GASP IN AWE) Glitter Cocaine?!  You can literally collect the rainbow, snort the rainbow, and be a rainbow!

CARL: What she said!

HERA WYNN: So what?!  You’re the fucking Glitter Fairy now?

CARL: That’s right folks, rub me two Franklins and get your Glitter Dust.

CROWD: Oooh!

MORAPHINE: What the fuck…?

HERA WYNN: Are you stupid!  You literally cut your shit with glitter?  The plastic is going to get stuck up sinuses.

MORAPHINE: That’d be like snorting salt!  

CARL: Heyyy, relax.  It’s edible glitter powder.

MORAPHINE: But, that’s…

HERA WYNN: Unethical. 

CARL: Probably won’t do as much harm as regular cocaine.  Besides, I thought you girls would like my glitter dust since you’re the one who gave me the idea with your silly little putty.  To say thanks, I got you each a little token.

ALICE DEE: Blotter art? 

MORAPHINE: This better be a Geoduck.

CARL: Eat a d–!

[THUMP!  CARL LETS OUT A HIGH-PITCHED GIRLISH SHRIEK.]

COLLEGE CAMPUS – WOODS – EVENING

[THE SOUND OF CRICKETS CHIRPING, TREES BEING BLOWN BY LIGHT WIND AND RAIN IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Damn, Hera you showed a lot of restraint back there, I’m impressed.

ALICE DEE: I thought for sure we were going to be escorted from campus.

HERA WYNN: That’s because I noticed the campus security guard coming so I had to settle.  (SUDDEN WARNING) Nudist on your left, Mora.

[SOUND OF NUDIST POPPING OUT FROM BUSH.]

MORAPHINE: Hey man, watch it!

NUDIST: Oops.  Sorry.

MORAPHINE: (DISGUSTED) Ugh!  The woods are crawling with them.

ALICE DEE: The trees are thinning, we should be nearing the end of the path.  The parking lot should be just up ahead.

HERA WYNN: Still keep an eye out for naked stragglers, most of them should be gathered back at the yoga circle by now.  At least that’s what I hope they were gathered for.

ALICE DEE: Fuck, Hera Wynn, you don’t need your pepper spray!  All we need to do is drop them like you did, Carl.

MORAPHINE: You kicked him so fast and swift I didn’t know what happened until he dropped.

HERA WYNN: Neither did he. 

ALICE DEE: His voice was higher than mine.  I heard someone try to ask him if he needed help but he was unintelligible.

HERA WYNN: Yeah, well at least now that his dicks inflamed he’s living up to his name.

MORAPHINE: (LAUGHING) Another reason to be glad we have vag’s.

HERA WYNN: Hey, did you see how fast it took for that crowd to swarm him and rob him of his Glitter Dust?  Think it poses a serious threat? 

MORAPHINE: No need to worry, he’s charging what?  Thirty more than us for cocaine cut with edible glitter.  Who’s going to want to pay more for less of a high?  I dare him to outsell us.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: So, you know what they say about being careful with what you put out in the universe, well, let me tell ya.

ALICE DEE: We forgot to account for those functioning on basic brain on drugs logic and that’s speaking from experience.

HERA WYNN: So now we’re stuck competing against a fad. In which clients of ours are gargantuan mindless faddies.  

STREET – DOWNTOWN – OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

ALICE DEE: Belle-viewans!  Twelve ‘o clock! 

HERA WYNN: What?  Where?

ALICE DEE: Over there!  The Artesian well!  Carl’s office.

MORAPHINE: Alice Dee, that’s your six.

ALICE DEE: But it’s twelve noon?

MORAPHINE: No, that’s not how it works. 

ALICE DEE: Oh.  There’s Carl holding a large wad of cash.  I think they just saw us.  Cherrie just instructed the others to hide their party supplies.

MORAPHINE: Let’s approach.

HERA WYNN: Want to bet they’re hiding Glitter Dust?

ALICE DEE: Not much of a bet, they all have glitter plastered to their caked-on faces.

ARTESIAN WELL – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – DAY

[SOUND OF THE WELL, SEAGULLS, LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[CUE SOUND OF SQUEAKING MICE.]

HERA WYNN: Hey, Belle-view girls! Cherrie, Carrie, others.

CARL: Heyyyy.  Isn’t it the Tripp sisters.

HERA WYNN: Well, if it isn’t the little prick.

CARL: (IN BACKGROUND) I get It.  Clever comeback.

CHERRIE: Like, oh my gosh!  It’s the Pugent Sound Girls!

CARRIE: O.M.G the Pugent Sound Girls without the Sound.  Funny running into you here.  No lie, we totally didn’t expect to see you here.

HERA WYNN: Anyway, what were you guys hiding in your purses just now?

CARRIE: Nothing…

MORAPHINE: Are you sure?  Because you were all doing it.

ALICE DEE: Does it have something to do with the slut dust under your noses?

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: What’s slut dust?  The glitter strippers usually put on their bodies.  I thought the term was appropriate for the context of the situation.

ARTESIAN WELL – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

CHERRIE: Uh… 

CARRIE: Um… 

CARL: Unveiled insult and wrong.  The correct term is Glitter Dust. 

ALICE DEE: Is it just me or is his voice a little higher.

MORAPHINE: I thought so too.

ALICE DEE: Speaking of little pricks.  How’s it hanging, Carl?

CARL: I’m hanging just fine, thanks for the concern.

MORAPHINE: That’s funny, that’s not what we heard.  We heard you lost a testicle.

CARL: (IN THE BACKGROUND) The fuck!

MORAPHINE: You see Cherrie…

CHARRIE: Ya, girl?

MORAPHINE: Carrie…

CARRIE: Uh-huh?

MORAPHINE: Others, Carl had a little accident over at the college–

CARL: It was an intentional assault carried out by that one–!

HERA WYNN: That would be me.

CHARRIE: Shocker.

MORAPHINE: Which left his ‘Little D’ very much inflamed.  So much so he’s been left a little lopsided.

CARRIE: For reals?  Nasty.

CHERRIE: Eww.  TMI. 

CARL: Heyyy.  That was just a rumor they started!  The doctors were able to save it!

MORAPHINE: So, they saved it, but did they keep it from shrinking?

ALICE DEE: That’s the real question.

CARRIE: True that.

CARL:  For your information all my parts are functioning perfectly normal. Not that it’s any of your business.

CHERRIE: That’s not exactly an answer.

ALICE DEE: I’m guessing that’s a yes to the shrinkage…

HERA WYNN: At least that’s what he’ll tell his next girlfriend.

[TITTERS FROM THE BELLE-VIEW GIRLS.]

[CARL FAKE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]

CARL: Whatever.

CARRIE: Uh… Big yikes! 

MORAPHINE: (TO BELLE-VIEW GIRLS) So…  you ladies are cool with buying boofed glitter cocaine?

CARL: More lies! 

CHERRIE: Yeah, so about that… someone explained to us the process of boofing and they like said the drugs are usually wrapped like in plastic or a ballon before it’s boofed so it’s like totally fine.

CARRIE: So technically, hygienic.

CARL: (REPEATING) So technically hygienic.

HERA/ALICE/MORAPHINE: Eww.

CHERRIE: And like anyways, the cocaine is like super shiny we couldn’t resist.

MORAPHINE: But, he’s cutting it with glitter which means he’s charging you more for less.

CARRIE: Yeah, but girl, it’s glitter!

CHERRIE: And like the snow came in my favorite color, sparkle!

ALICE DEE: (GASP) Oh!  Sparkle is my favorite color, too.

CHERRIE: Like right?!

HERA WYNN: (LOSING IT) Sparkle is not a fucking color!

CARRIE: Totes is.  It’s on my makeup palette between silver and shimmer.

CARL: (REITERATING) Silver and shimmer. 

HERA WYNN: Funny, I thought it’d be between the shades orange and pasty.  Color me wrong.

CARRIE: Uh, shade.

CHERRIE: But like so true.

CARRIE: Uh, rude.  I’m sensing a lot of negative energy coming from this direction–

MORAPHINE: That’s just Hera’s aura.

HERA WYNN: Get your man hands out of my fucking aura.

[BELLE-VIEWANS GASP.]

MORAPHINE: Btw, she meant to say mannied hands, right, Hera Wynn?

HERA WYNN: (AFTER A LONG SILENCE) What she said.

CARRIE: I’m high-key shook.

CHERRIE: (AWKWARD) Ah… Well, we have places to be other than here so… Byee!

CARRIE: See ya.

CARL: Always a pleasure doing business with you ladies.  Remember, you like what you taste come back to big D. All right you take care. (TURNING TO THE TRIPP SISTERS) Well, well, well.  Look who’s taking it in the ass from someone who couldn’t get it on!

HERA WYNN: Ooh.  Brave words for a little man.  Want to say that again a little closer?

CARL: Go ahead!  I’m wearing a cup.

HERA WYNN: I’m up for the challenge.  I bet I could help you see ‘sparkles’. 

ALICE DEE: He’s not worth it, Hera Wynn, let’s bounce.

CARL: Peace, bitches!  

MORAPHINE: (FIRING BACK) You know what?  You may have come up with a stupid fad, Carl, but like the word fad you only need an e to make it fade and we’re the big E.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: Granted, the definition for fad means a craze will be short-lived but he got the gist.  Come next week, we’ll all see.

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

[OUTRO]

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[INTRO]

ALICE DEE: Radioactive Skittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price.

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Who’s Big D?  He’s this dickhead named–

MORAPHINE: Carl, who thinks he can hide behind ‘Big D’ because it makes him cool or whatever, but inside, he will always be a Carl.  And Carl’s, as it turns out, are easy to take down. (ANSWERING QUESTION) Is Carl our competition? (LAUGHING) Good one. Wait! That was an actual question?  Competition?  Psh!  Man, we’re out of his league.

HERA WYNN: He was, however, one of the only major ‘party suppliers’ around when we first moved into town but it didn’t take too long to usurp him.

ALICE DEE: It was a Reuse de Guerre.  That’s French for a ruse of war.  It was a quiet, strategic takeover.  How did we accomplish that?  Easy.

MORAPHINE: Before we could take out ‘Big D’ we had to wipe the board of all the minor drug dealers in the area.  We like to think of ourselves as agents of karma.  So the crime always fits the punishment.

HERA WYNN: First on the hit-list was Uncle Benny.  A forty-something loser who liked to sell drugs to teenagers at parks.  Ask Uncle Benny for a candy, and he’d pop you a prescription pill out of a PEZ dispenser for five dollars apiece.

ALICE DEE: To take Uncle Benny out, I mean in competition not to kill, we had Dig-Doug follow him around for a couple of weeks and Dougie found out Benny’s a creature of habit who comes down every Tuesday at happy hour to dine at Eat ‘Ems the local burger joint which sits across the street from the park he never, never, never ever goes to because, frankly, you don’t eat where you shit.  That, and Eat ‘Em’s being a popular burger joint, you will always see a squad car in line at the drive-through.

PARK – OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[WE HEAR LIGHT RAIN AND CHILDREN PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: We just need to get a couple of kiddos alone…

MORAPHINE: How about those teeners over there abusing the playground equipment.  You know, like the three climbing up the slides or the two dangling off the sides?

ALICE DEE: No…  We’re looking for a couple of innocents.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: What I mean by innocent was we needed kids that have learned the no taking candy from strangers rule but don’t have sense enough not to buy candy off of strangers.  Kids between the age group of 8-12, essentially tweenagers with lunch money and allowance to spare.  I know it sounds bad, but let me be clear.  No children were harmed, well, intentionally harmed in the making of this bust.

PARK – CONTINOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

MORAPHINE: Do you feel weird about doing this?

HERA WYNN: Don’t make it sound worse than it is, Moraphine.  What better way to take drugs out of the hands of children than by using them?

ALICE DEE: We just need to lure a couple of tweeners over to us…  but how do we do this without being creepy…?

MORAPHINE: I, for one, am feeling weird about the rush I’m getting off this.

ALICE DEE: Really?  I’m kind of digging it.  Is there any group in particular that has caught your eye, Hera?

HERA WYNN: I’m liking the two spazzes on the climbing net.

ALICE DEE: They might do.

MORAPHINE: So, Alice Dee, one more time.  What was the plan you came up with?

ALICE DEE: (SCHEMING) Okay, so we divide and conquer.  Hera Wynn, you stay on this bench so you can keep an eye on Uncle Benny while creating interest with the spazzes you pointed out.  Moraphine, you can take the bench facing the slides so you will be the first thing the kids see when coming down, I’m going to go sit over on that empty swing by the group of kiddies hanging out on the monkey bars.  Each of us will take one lollie to suck on as an enticement.  Let’s see if we can lure the little suckers over with the promise of a lollie.   

MORAPHINE: Evil.

HERA WYNN: Genius.

MORAPHINE: Love it.  Now hand over my sucker.  I got dibs on grape.

[A BAG UNZIPS AND WE HEAR THE CRINKLING OF CANDY WRAPPERS.]

HERA WYNN: Cherry me, please.

ALICE DEE: I got dibs on cotton candy!

[BAG ZIPS SHUT.]

HERA WYNN: Eww.

MORAPHINE: Ugh.  You can keep your dibs on that nasty-ass cotton candy.

ALICE DEE: To each their own.  Here’s your lollie, your lollie, my lollie, and I snagged us three extras for later.  (BOTTLED EXCITEMENT) This is going to be so much fun!

[SOUND OF CRINKLING.]

ALICE DEE: I wonder how long it will take…?

[WE HEAR THE RUSH OF CHILDREN AS THEY CROWD AROUND THE TRIPP SISTERS.]

[CHILDREN PANTING.]

MORAPHINE: Whoa!

HERA WYNN: I know.

ALICE DEE: They came from everywhere!

SUCKER 1: (PANTING THEN QUICKLY RECOVERING) Hi.  Do you got any more lollipops?

ALICE DEE: Sorry, we only had these three.

[COLLECTIVE AWW.]

ALICE DEE: But we can tell you who we got them from.

SUCKER 2: Who?

MORAPHINE: Uncle Benny.

SUCKERS: Uncle Benny?

ALICE DEE: Why you haven’t heard of Uncle Benny?  He’s the local candyman.  We may not have any candy to give you but the candyman can.  He’s got all sorts.

MORAPHINE: And it just so happens that he’s sitting over there across the street at the picnic bench outside Eat ‘Ems.  See, that guy dipping his fries in goop at the table one over from the nice policemen?

SUCKER 3: Guy with the man purse?

MORAPHINE: (APPRECIATIVE) Man purse.  (BACK TO BUSINESS) Yes. I know for a fact he always keeps his candy in his satchel.

ALICE DEE: He’s got lollies, skittles, m&m’s, tootsie rolls, even cotton candy.

MORAPHINE: You name it, he’s got it.

HERA WYNN: If you hold out your money and wave it in his face and shout out the candy you want he’ll have to give it to you.

SUCKERS: Candy!

[WE HEAR THE KIDS TAKE OFF.]

ALICE DEE: Make sure to always look both ways–!  Wow!  They’re already over there.  Damn, those little bastards are fast!  (GASPS) Where did he come from?  Where did she come from?

MORAPHINE: Hey, kids, what are you two still sticking around here for?  Go get some candy.

GIRL: I don’t have any money.  I don’t get an allowance.

BOY: I’m not allowed to cross the street.

ALICE DEE: Well, now I just feel bad.  (SOUND OF DISGUST) Pity is such an icky feeling.  Make them go away.

HERA WYNN: Listen, kids, we lied.  We have a few extra lollie pops but didn’t have enough to go around so don’t tell the others.  Alice Dee.

ALICE DEE: But…

HERA WYNN: Alice.

ALICE DEE: (COMPLIANT SIGH) I got orange…

[SOUND OF BAG ZIPPING OPEN AND WRAPPER CRINKLING.]

ALICE DEE: Lemon…

[CRINKLE.]

ALICE DEE: And ras-

[ABRUPT CRINKLING. BAG ZIPS SHUT. ]

ALICE DEE: Orange and lemon.

[CRINKLE. CRINKLE.]

ALICE DEE: Good choices.

HERA WYNN: Now take them and run.  Hide them from the others.

GIRL/BOY: Thanks!

MORAPHINE: Hey, let’s go watch the takedown from the minivan before the little suckers realize there’s no actual candy and start pointing us out.

[THREE OF THE MINIVAN’S DOORS ARE HEARD CLOSING.]

TRIPP’S MINIVAN – DAY – MOMENTS LATER

[WINDSHIELD WIPERS AND LIGHT RAIN IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[CAR DINGING.]

ALICE DEE: Perfect, the kids are hounding him!  They’re waving their monies in his face, pointing at his bag!  Uncle Benny’s looking stressed.  He’s abandoning his food and is moving away from the table.  Ooh!  The po-po is getting curious, they’re approaching.  Now they’re pointing his bag…  

HERA WYNN: I’m surprised the kid’s parents haven’t realized– Oh, no, I stand corrected.  They’re running over to collect their children.

MORAPHINE: Nevermind them, watch Benny.  He’s starting to get squirrely.  Why does he keep eyeing the table?

ALICE DEE: Maybe he wants one last fry? 

HERA WYNN: No, I think he’s calculating his escape route.

ALICE DEE: You think he’s going to try to clear the table and book it?

MORAPHINE: No way, an out-of-shape, middle-aged man is going to clear a table, but if he were to try and jump on the table and over he should be able to– Oh, watch!  See?  He’s going to–

HERA WYNN: Wait?  What?! 

ALICE DEE: His foot landed in the fry basket!  He’s skating–! 

HERA WYNN/ALICE DEE/MORAPHINE: Ooh.  Faceplant.

MORAPHINE: I didn’t know your body can twist that way?  He’s like a pretzel.

ALICE DEE: So, when he flopped over and hit his head on the bench and landed on the ground was that ketchup that went flying or…? 

HERA WYNN: Blood.  Definitely blood…  But he’s still moving so that’s good.

MORAPHINE: Yeah, one of the officers just got done checking his bag and is removing his cuffs so he must be fine.  Looks like we won’t be seeing you for a while, Uncle Benny.

ALICE DEE: Goodbye, Candyman!

HERA WYNN: See ya loser!  You’re going to make a great piece of man-candy in prison!

ALICE DEE: You don’t think we just traumatized a bunch of kids, right?

MORAPHINE: Traumatized, no.  Pissed off because they didn’t get any candy, yes.  Taught a valuable life lesson about why not to jump on top of a table, for sure.

HERA WYNN: Hey, why are the kids all pointing at the park?

ALICE DEE: Oh shit!  They just noticed one of the kids we gave a lollipop to.

MORAPHINE: How’d they spot him from all the way over there?

HERA WYNN: I told him to hide.  Not flaunt it at the top of the slide.

MORAPHINE: Uh-oh, they’re coming for him.

[SOUND OF CHILDREN SCREAMING.]

ALICE DEE: Poor kid is in a world of his own, sucking on his lollie.  He has no idea they’re coming for him.

MORAPHINE: He sees them now, but it’s too late, kid’s mid-slide.

[KID IN THE BACKGROUND YELLS ‘CUT HIM OFF!’]

HERA WYNN: He’s tossed the sucker and is climbing back up.

ALICE DEE: Climb, kid!  Climb!

MORAPHINE: Too late, they’re on him. 

HERA WYNN: And… they caught him by his leg.

[KID HEARD SCREAMING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Oh, now they’re dragging him around the slide…

MORAPHINE: Out of the sight of parentals.  Brutal.

ALICE DEE: See, he should have been like that kid who picked the lollie off the ground and ran.

HERA WYNN: Hopefully the little girl we gave the other one to was smarter.

ALICE DEE: Nope.  They just tracked her down by the swings.

[MORE SCREAMING.]

HERA WYNN: Well, we’re just going to have to let nature take its course on this one.

MORAPHINE: No good deed goes unpunished.

HERA WYNN: Yep.

ALICE DEE: So, who’s next on the list?

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: The list was quite extensive but we managed to whittle it down.  And I gotta say, some of our tactics were pretty creative.  Like in the case of Gap.

ALICE DEE: Gap got his name because he ‘covers’ you during insurance gaps, meaning when your insurance won’t cover your unsightly habits he will.  He sold mostly prescriptions so we really didn’t pay him a lot of attention until he started branching out into our world of selling designer drugs.  But his party drugs were nothing more than–

MORAPHINE: Shit.  And it gives you the shits since the cheap bastard cuts his drug meaning he adds laxative powder to your order to make it look like your getting the same amount you paid for.  We found that out when sent a sample anonymously to a lab for testing.

ALICE DEE: Aren’t most of the drugs we sell already cut with fillers?  Sure, but we test our products to ensure our ‘party supplies’ are of the highest purity and potency available on the market.  When your buy from us, you can be safe in the knowledge that our products are free from any additional additives.  Which in return lowers your risk of overdosing.

HERA WYNN: Not only is cutting for the sake of boosting your profits morally objectionable and potentially lethal, depending what a drug is cut with, it can really mess you up.  That is why it is really important you know what you’re taking and who you’re taking it from and why that fucker Gap had to go.

MORAPHINE: Since Gap cuts his shit I figured we should cut some shit of our own so we concocted a little something using some household ingredients.

WOODS – NIGHT

[THE SOUND OF CRICKETS, TREES BEING BLOWN BY LIGHT WIND AND RAIN IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Do you think we made enough fake cocaine?

MORAPHINE: Should be, it’s about a nickel’s worth of prison time.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Why the fake cocaine?  We couldn’t justifiably spill real cocaine on a biking trail because like, duh…  the environment is already fucked up as it is.  So of course, Moraphine came up with a master plan that’s environmentally friendly but equally effective.

MORAPHINE: So the plan was fairly straightforward.  We just needed a couple of supplies.  Some fake cocaine, three large zipper bags worth, headlamps and carpet shoes.  As in, I glued carpet samples to the soles of our old sneakers to cover our tracks.  In terms of execution, it was a walk in the state park.  All we had to do was slip into the woods undetected at three in the morning and hike it over to Gap’s camp.

WOODS – NIGHT

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

MORAPHINE: Dig-Dugs right, I can see Gap’s camp from here which means he could probably see us if he stumbled out of his tent to take a leak so dim your headlamps.  We should get off here and hike it up that hill over to him.  Be careful not to slip on your way up, the carpet shoes don’t exactly have grip.

[SOUND OF FOLIAGE RUSTLING AS HERA SLIPS. SOUND OF TWIGS BREAKING.]

HERA WYNN: Oww!

MORAPHINE: What did I say?

HERA WYNN: I was being careful!  ~The stupid blackberry thorns caught me by my backpack and pulled me into them.

[THE SOUND OF HERA WYNN STRUGGLING WITH THE BUSHES CONTINUOUS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

[HERA WYNN SHARPLY SUCKS IN AIR THROUGH HER TEETH IN PAIN.]

HERA WYNN: Ahh. Oww. My hair’s stuck.

ALICE DEE: Need me to cut you loose?

HERA WYNN: No.  (GRUNTING) I think I can yank myself free.  Ow, ow, ow.  Ahh.  It’s pulling my hair.  Alice Dee, your knife.

[SOUND OF KNIFE CLICKING OPEN.]

HERA WYNN: Go ahead and hack at it.

[SOUND OF BRAMBLE BEING HACKED.]

HERA WYNN: (SHOCKED GASP) Alice, did you just hack my hair? 

[LIGHT SOUND OF FAUX COKE SPILLING CONTINUOUSLY IN BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: You said.

HERA WYNN: I was talking about hacking the branches! 

ALICE DEE: Calm down, they were only split ends.

HERA WYNN: They’re split now.

ALICE DEE: No, see here.  Look, see for yourself. 

HERA WYNN: That was a lock of my hair.  Give me that!  Thanks a lot.

ALICE DEE: Why would you want to keep a lock of your own hair that’s kind of weird.

HERA WYNN: We can’t leave any DNA evidence on our coke trail now can we?  

MORAPHINE: Alice, make sure you pocket that clump over there too.

HERA WYNN: (DISTRESSED) Huh?  

MORAPHINE: I was just fucking with you, your good.

HERA WYNN: Asshole.

MORAPHINE: (WHISPERING WHILE HERA WYNN CONTINUOUS TALKING) But, seriously, Alice, pocket the clump.

ALICE DEE: (HUSHED) Oh.

HERA WYNN: Who sets up camp a stone throw away from a fucking trail when you’re hiding out from the authorities. Did someone say something?

MORAPHINE: I didn’t say anything.  Did you say anything Alice?

ALICE DEE: Nuh-uh. 

MORAPHINE: See no one said anything.

HERA WYNN:  (CONTINUING) What is it with these dealers half-assing everything?  No wonder we have bad reputations.  You never hear about a smart drug dealer.

[LIGHT SOUND OF FAUX COKE SPILLING.  IT CONTINUOUS QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND.]]

ALICE DEE: He’s probably high.

HERA WYNN: Moraphine’s high and you’re always tripping.

ALICE DEE: Then he’s just plain stupid.  Why is he hiding from the cops again?

MORAPHINE: Outstanding warrant, robbed a place, maybe he kept touching himself in public and skipped out on a court appearance.  I don’t know, who cares.  Point is, he’s about to get found.  Okay, I say we’re close enough now to start spilling a line of faux coke.  I say we start by spilling a little at a time and then we make the line grow fatter as we go.  We should have enough to cover the 15-minute walk back to the trailhead.  We’ll start with the coke in my bag, then we’ll do yours, Alice, and then Hera’s if needed.

[SOUND OF A ZIPLOCK OPENING AND ITS CONTENTS BEING SPILLED.]

ALICE DEE: Ooh, can I help pour?

MORAPHINE: Knock yourself out.

[SOUND OF FAUX COKE BEING DUMPED ON THE GROUND.]

MORAPHINE: No, no, no, Alice Dee.  You don’t want to sprinkle it too evenly.  We want to make it look like it was dropped on accident.  Like so…

[SOUND OF FAUX COKE BEING LIGHTLY POURED.]

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: Planting evidence is like an art form.  You have to be in the moment.  If you don’t believe it happened then the cops won’t believe it happened.  And always, always, make sure you leave nothing that leads back to you.

TRIPP SISTER’S CRIB – MORNING

[HOUSE SOUNDS AND THE TELEVISION IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: (YAWN) So tired.  Only got around three hours of sleep.

ALICE DEE: Sounds about right.  Should I make the call?  

MORAPHINE: I already went ahead and called the non-emergency number and left the cops an anonymous tip about a trail of mysterious white powder.

ALICE DEE: (YAWNING) Cool.  How long until they get here?

MORAPHINE: I left the tip around twenty minutes ago so they should be here in ten.  Where’s, Hera?  Did she roll out of bed yet?

HERA WYNN: Alice Dee?!

ALICE DEE: I’m going to go run and set up the lawn chairs.

HERA WYNN: Where’s, Alice?

MORAPHINE: Setting up the lawn chairs so we can watch the bust go down across the way.

HERA WYNN: Look!  Look what she did to my hair?  She took off a chunk on both sides.

MORAPHINE: At least she made them almost even.

HERA WYNN: Not.  Funny.

ALICE DEE: Moraphine, Hera Wynn!

HERA WYNN: You!  Edwina Scissorhands!  Look what you did to my hair?

ALICE DEE: (PANICKED) I think we should be more concerned about what I did to your bag!

HERA WYNN: My bag?!

MORAPHINE: Please tell me you didn’t puncture the baggie of coke inside? 

ALICE DEE: There was a pile of white powder by the entryway so I checked outside and the powder leads from the trailhead, across the overhead bridge, down the bike path, through the cul-de-sac, and straight through our door!

MORAPHINE: There’s a line of faux coke leading to our house?!

HERA WYNN: Please tell me no one called the cops.

MORAPHINE: I already did!

HERA WYNN: Damn it!

MORAPHINE: They should be here in five minutes!

HERA WYNN: Okay, okay, we just need to somehow erase the line of faux coke leading from the cul-de-sac back to our house.  Any coke left on the bike path is fine because everyone uses it. 

MORAPHINE: Should I get the broom?!

HERA WYNN: We don’t have one, I accidentally squashed it with the car after we swept out the garage.  Hose?

ALICE DEE: Can’t, the hose won’t reach, it’s not long enough.

HERA WYNN: Umm… Leaf blower?

MORAPHINE: We don’t own one!  Umm… Vacuum.

HERA WYNN: I’ll grab it and meet you both outside.

TRIPP SISTERS LAWN – MORNING

[BIRDS AND LIGHT RAIN IN BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Is it plugged into the extension cord?

HERA WYNN: Yep.

MORAPHINE: Give it to me!

HERA WYNN: No, wait! 

ALICE DEE: You’re supposed to–! 

HERA WYNN: It’s smoking!

[WE HEAR THE VACUUM TURN ON. A HARD SUCTIONING AS A ROCK GETS SUCKED UP.]

MORAPHINE: Whoa!

[POOF! THE VACUUM COMBUSTS!]

ALICE DEE: Fire!  Fire!

HERA WYNN/ALICE DEE: Turn it off, turn it off!

MORAPHINE: Holy shit!

[THE VACUUM POWER DOWN AS IT CATCHES ON FIRE.  WE HEAR A ROCK CLATTER AROUND IN IT.]

ALICE DEE: Uh… better idea! I’ll be right back!

MORAPHINE: Bring the fire extinguisher! How did this happen!?

HERA WYNN: You’re supposed to detach the lift-away canister otherwise you vacuum up rocks and kill our vacuum!

MORAPHINE: I didn’t know!

HERA WYNN: Because you never vacuum!

MORAPHINE: Fuck!

ALICE DEE: Guys, don’t panic!  I brought the hand vac!

HERA WYNN: Hand me the extinguisher.

[SOUND OF FIRE BEING EXTINGUISHED.]

MORAPHINE: Alice, start sucking!

[LOW WHIRRING SOUND.]

ALICE DEE: It’s not sucking!  Someone forgot to charge it!

MORAPHINE: Oh, Crap!

ALICE DEE: What do we gonna do?!  The police are gonna be here any minute!

MORAPHINE: Uh-uh… If we don’t have anything that sucks then we need something that can blow!

HERA WYNN/ALICE DEE/MORAPHINE: Blow dryers!

[WE HEAR THE BLOW DRYERS TURN ON.]

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Thankfully, the blow dryers were all cordless and fully charged.

TRIPP SISTERS LAWN – MORNING

[SOUND OF BLOW DRYERS IN UNISON.]

ALICE DEE: Blow faster!

HERA WYNN: I’m trying!

MORAPHINE: Mine only has three settings!

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Wasn’t too long after we blew the last of the fake coke away from our house that the cops rolled up across the street at the head of the trail bringing with them their loyal K-9 who as planned reacted to our fake cocaine, leading the authorities straight back to Gap.

MORAPHINE: How did we manage to hoodwink a well-trained police dog into believing the coke was real?  Simple.  I cut the faux coke with hemp powder.  To the nose of a police dog, hemp powder has the same identical scent to marijuana as they both are derived from the cannabis plant.  Now, since weed was legalized in Washington State in 2013, K9s are now trained only to detect large amounts of weed or in Gaps case hemp powder.  Sure, when they ran the test on the powder trail they found out the coke was a fake but by the time that happened Gap was already being processed for the real drugs they found on him. (PAUSE FOR QUESTION) Who’d that leave next?  The biggest douche of them all.  Big D.

HERA WYNN: At the height of his reign, Carl was a twenty-seven-year-old entrepreneur.  Due to his illicit dealings, he was able to open a dive bar downtown called ‘Bangin’ Hooch.’  Naturally, Carl split his time between harassing single women at the bar which he himself operated and partying it up at the local clubs with his pal Roofie, you know, the date rape drug.  So we had to do what any self-respecting drug ladies would do.  Remove them off the lists. (PAUSE FOR QUESTION) How you ask?  Well, it was a dive bar, if you could catch a disease you could catch a Mickie.  All we had to do was pick a booth in the corner with a great view of the bar and the other tables, sip our beers courtesy of Carl’s sexist pretty girl discount, and wait for the random single lady who was going to be the victim to Big D’s advances and whose drink we were going to spike.

BAR ‘BANGIN’ HOOCH’ – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – EVENING

[SOUND OF CHATTER GLASSES AND BOTTLES CLATTERING AND VARIOUS BAR SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: (MID-SIP) Hmm.  Single chick in the cut-off Sleater-Kinney band tee approaching the bar.  

ALICE DEE: Carl’s taken notice.

MORAPHINE: What’s he doing with his eyes.

HERA WYNN: (SCOFFS) I think he’s going for a smolder?

MORAPHINE: Those are his bedroom eyes? 

ALICE DEE: But he’s not blinking.  I wish he would stop.  It’s making me uncomfortable for Ms. Sleater-Kinney.

MORAPHINE: She doesn’t seem to have a problem as she’s taking a seat at the bar.  That won’t pose an issue for you, right, Hera Wynn?  When you go to spike her drink with all those potential witnesses seated around?

HERA WYNN: Not at all.  Wasn’t a problem when I spiked both of your beers just now with table salt.

MORAPHINE: Damn, your good.

ALICE DEE: (SOUND OF SIP) Whoa, impressive.   (SOUND OF SMACKING LIPS) Mmm, and salty. 

HERA WYNN: All in the wrist.

ALICE DEE: Uh-oh.

HERA WYNN: No.

MORAPHINE: Aww, man. 

ALICE DEE: Blue Curaçao is in play.

MORAPHINE: Looks like she ordered a Blue Hawaii.

ALICE DEE: What shit luck.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Why is it shit luck?  Well, Rohypnol pills since the ‘90s have been sold as a light green pill with a blue core.  Once the core is dissolved in a light-colored liquid it will make the drink blue.  To circumvent this problem, most people use the same knockoff die-free Rohypnol.  The same generic stuff Carl uses.  For our plan to work, Mickie needed to witness her drink change color to make for a better performance and a pleasing aesthetic.  So we opted for the true blue-dyed Rohypnol. 

BAR ‘BANGIN’ HOOCH’ – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

HERA WYNN: Great, now we have to figure out how to detract Carl’s attention from her to someone else.

MORAPHINE: I think our someone else just entered.  Miss Sheer Slip is sure to get his attention.

ALICE DEE: She sure got my attention! (OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC) She’s hot and single, can I mickie her?!

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Just to be clear, when I say I want to mickey her I mean I am going to plop a pill in her drink, but I don’t plan on drugging her.  I’m going to stop her from drinking the laced alcoholic beverage and blame Carl for spiking it.  Then I’ll come out on top as the Woman of the Hour.  Win, win.  Except you know, Carl loses but I win.

BAR ‘BANGIN’ HOOCH’ – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

HERA WYNN: Your enthusiasm concerns me, but sure.

ALICE DEE: Awesome! 

HERA WYNN: Tuck the pill in your sleeve and when you are ready just flick.  (DISTRACTED) Eww, what a sleazeball.  Carls, lifting his shirt to fan himself to show off his abs or the lack thereof to Ms. Sheer Slip while still chatting up Ms. Sleater-Kinney.

MORAPHINE: He may be playing the field, but Ms. Sheer Slip is coming out of the left.

ALICE DEE: Damn, she’s with Ms. Sleater-Kinney.  Ah, well…

MORAPHINE: Oh, look, there’s another single lady coming in.  Status on Carl’s rebound?

ALICE DEE: He’s barely paying attention, he’s too busy watching Ms. Sleater-Kinney and Ms. Sheer Slip making out.

HERA WYNN: Let’s just see what she’s ordering anyway. 

ALICE DEE: She’s ordering… a bottled beer.  Ugh, I’m getting bored.

HERA WYNN: How am I supposed to drop a Mickie down the neck of a beer bottle?  That’s it, if the next potential Mickie fizzles out I’m spiking my own drink.

ALICE DEE: Whoa, Hera, let’s not get rash.  I won’t make a liable witness on the stand and we all know it.

MORAPHINE: Guys, the couple moved on to a table and Carl’s eyeing Skirt and Blazer. 

HERA WYNN: I thought she came in with the guy in the suit?

MORAPHINE: Clearly not, Big D’s rebounding hard.

HERA WYNN: What’s she drinking?

ALICE DEE: A martini.

HERA WYNN: Nice and clear, that will do.

MORAPHINE: He’s polishing a new glass.

ALICE DEE: He didn’t polish our glasses.  Dick.

HERA WYNN: He’s pouring the martini… and he’s hand delivering.  Yes!

ALICE DEE: Looks like we finally found our Mickie!

[CELEBRATORY CLINK OF GLASSES.]

MORAPHINE: Oh, no, snafu!  She’s waving him off.  Hold on…

[SOUND OF CARL LAUGHING.]

CARL: Pretty girl discount, for a pretty girl.  Enjoy.

MORAPHINE: He’s not taking no for an answer.  Oh, good, he’s setting the glass down, in case she changes her mind.

HERA WYNN: His inability to respect the word no is only going to sell this thing.

ALICE DEE: Look at him grinning stupidly to himself as he leaves.  So hopeful.  So pathetic.  So over.

HERA WYNN: We’re up Moraphine, time for a little gaslighting.  Alice, do you and distract Carl.

ALICE DEE: Happily.

[SOUND OF MICKIE SIPPING.]

MORAPHINE: (CLEARS THROAT) Umm, hi, I don’t know, uh, I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to just come out and say it my sister and I saw —

HERA WYNN: Your drink’s spiked.

[SOUND OF MICKIE CHOKING ON HER DRINK AND SPITTING IT OUT.]

MICKIE: (SPUTTERING) Wa-uh-What?  The one I’ve been drinking–?

HERA WYNN: No, no, no.  Not that one.

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: About that time I waved my hand over her glass and dropped the roofie in.

BAR ‘BANGIN’ HOOCH’ – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA – CONTINUOUS

[BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUE.]

[PLOP.  SOUND OF PILL FALLING IN.]

HERA WYNN: No, no, this glass.  The one the bartender just brought over.  I saw him drop something in as he was carrying it to the table.

MORAPHINE: Look, your drink’s turning blue!

MICKIE: Oh my God!  That’s why he was being so pushy!  I told him I didn’t want a second martini but he kept insisting I take it because it was part of some sexist pretty girl discount.

MORAPHINE: (DISGUSTED) What a pig.

MICKIE: He kept gesturing to my glass…

HERA WYNN: That’s when I saw him drop the pill in.

MICKIE: Yeah, now I think back I’m pretty sure I saw him do it.  What do I do?

HERA WYNN: What you do is stay here, call the cops, and tell them what happened.  Do it discreetly, so the A-hole doesn’t have a chance to run.

MICKIE: I’ll do that right now.  I can’t thank you two enough.

HERA WYNN: No thanks necessary.  Moraphine, text Dig-Doug we’re ready to roll, and let’s grab Alice.  (DISTRACTED) Ooh!  I see an uncleared empty table with two sets of shot glasses.  I’m going to bag us souvenirs.  Be right back.

MORAPHINE: (SPEAKING ALOUD.) Ready to roll.

[PHONE BEEPS.  MESSAGE SENT.]

MORAPHINE: (GRABBING ALICE) Alice!

ALICE DEE: (MID CONVERSATION.) One sec.  — pretty brand new here.  So, Carl, could I get a shot of Adios Motherfucker?

CARL: Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure.

HERA WYNN: Ha, ha, ha.  All set. 

[PHONE DING TWICE.]

MORAPHINE: Alice, time to vamoose. Our rides here.

ALICE DEE: Ready. 

CARL: What about your drink?

ALICE DEE: It’s for you.  (SOUND OF HAND SLAPPING SURFACE) Keep the change.

MORAPHINE: Why’d you give him a twenty, man?  He’s going away, he won’t need it.

ALICE DEE: No worries, it was the first bill I pulled out of the tip jar.

HERA WYNN: Nice touch.

[SOUND OF DOOR OPENING.  LIGHT RAIN.]

[SOUND OF SIRENS.]

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: Big D went away for a couple years as weirdly there were no working cameras in Bangin’ Hooch and it helped that Mickie swore she saw him spike her drink.

MORAPHINE: Didn’t take him long to figure out who sent him behind bars after we took up the territory which is why, every so often, he’d send a member of his crew to intimidate us in a sad attempt to retake the streets.  We took care of them easily.  Some we turned, and the others… Well… they just went missing… (PAUSE FOR QUESTION) Do I care to elaborate?  Nah, man, I’ll leave it up to your imagination.

ALICE DEE: In less than six months, we had all the players cleared away.  I almost felt bad, almost, but then I thought about how one would rarely think about flicking away a pissant off the dinner table and when it comes down to it that’s just what Big D is.  Just a regular piss-ant.

HERA WYNN: Couldn’t there have been an easier way to take out our competition?  Cheah.  Sure we could have left anonymous tips to the police department about their whereabouts and shady activities but here’s the thing about being a fellow drug dealer.  We don’t rat on each other.  Instead, we set each other up to fail which is not only expected but encouraged.

STREET – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – NIGHT

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND TRAFFIC.]

HERA WYNN: Look at that pathetic loser slinging crack in the dark in a back alley by the dumpster outside his old bar.  Sad.

CARL: (TO DRUGIE) Good doing business with ya.  ~Come on back if you like the taste of Big D.

MORAPHINE: Like, did Carl just proposition him?

HERA WYNN: Gross, I think he just did.  How unprofessional.

ALICE DEE: I see he’s retired from bangin’ hooch.

CUSTOMER: Dude. 

CARL: Fuck those bitches, man, I didn’t–

MORAPHINE: Anyway, tweaker dude, I wouldn’t take that if I were you.

HERA WYNN: Unless you’re cool with catching a venereal disease.

CUSTOMER: What? 

CARL: What the fuck!

MORAPHINE: You see, our friend Carl just got out of prison like a day ago, you know, so like where did he get the goods so fast?

ALICE DEE: Like, I think he might have pulled it out of his person.

CARL: I don’t know who the fuck Carl is but–

ALICE DEE: That is exactly where he pulled it out of.

CUSTOMER: Gross.  No deal, man. 

CARL: Hey, wait!  It’s all bullshit!

MORAPHINE: Is it, Carl?  Is it really?

CARL: Well, isn’t it the Tripp Sisters.  Been looking forward to this moment, meeting face to face with the three people who fucked up my life.  Correct me if I’m wrong because I only got this information second-hand from some of my friends you had both terrorized and brutalized.

HERA WYNN: Sounds about right. 

CARL: You must be Hera Wynn, I can tell by the unveiled metaphorical spoon hanging from your choker.  Your Moraphine, the smell weed of is a dead giveaway, and you with the feign innocence and the weird high voice must be Alice Dee.

HERA WYNN: Great deduction, Carl. 

CARL: Hey, hey, hey, Carl died when you sent him to prison, the name’s Big D.

MORAPHINE: Like what exactly does the D stand for?

HERA WYNN: Dumbass?

ALICE DEE: Dipshit?

MORAPHINE: Douchebag?

HERA WYNN: No, that’s right.  It stands for dickhead.  So what exactly are you here for dickhead?

CARL: I’m here to take back what’s mine.

HERA WYNN: Oh, you mean our territory?

MORAPHINE: So you’re here to start a pissing contest?

ALICE DEE: You’re going to need a bigger D.

CARL: What the fuck did I ever do to you bitches?!  You robbed me of my liquor license, my joint.  You got me barred from the clubs and pubs downtown!  Why?!  Why?!

HERA WYNN: You had the deed to boardwalk–

MORAPHINE: And we didn’t feel like paying rent–

ALICE DEE: So we took it.  Basic monopoly.  Added plus, we got to sweep your friend Roofie from off the board.

CARL: Let me get you bitches straight, you came after me because I dealt roofie’s, yet you spiked some chick’s drink convincing that crazy bitch that I did it and then sometime later you hypocrites roofied one of my men?!

ALICE DEE: A good salesman always tries his product.

CARL: So you mug him and leave him stranded in Iowa!

MORAPHINE: (LIGHT LAUGH) Right, I wondered where he ended up.

CARL: Whatever.  Consider this your cease and desist notice, from here on out this is Big D’s territory.  Comprende?

HERA WYNN: Listen, butt fuck, no one cares.

ALICE DEE: If I see your blue candy cross mi camino–

MORAPHINE: It’s not going to be all good man.

HERA WYNN: Get us, bitch?

CARL: We’ll see who’s the bitch, bitch after I own your asses.  Let the turf war begin!

[THE TRIPP SISTERS LAUGH IN DERISION.]

HERA WYNN: We’ll drink to that!

MORAPHINE: Did he just seriously storm off?

ALICE DEE: What a douche.  (PAUSE FOR THOUGHT) So, a round of Adios Motherfuckers?!

HERA WYNN: Let’s make them shots and we’ll use his glasses.

MORAPHINE: Read my mind.

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

[OUTRO]

 

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[INTRO]

ALICE DEE: Radioactive Skittles presents the Stonettes, a glowing production.  Created and voiced by MST Price.

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

[A BONG IS RIPPED.]

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: How’s business since we spoke last?  Pretty good. Though we have noticed a small decrease in our street sales.  Which is odd since doing drugs is like the number one pastime around here.  Our online sales, however, are going strong.  Most of the orders are fulfilled via our curbside pickup services which has grown increasingly popular through these times.  

ALICE DEE: (ANSWERING QUESTION) How do we fulfill a curbside pickup?  Like any retailer would.  A customer would place an order from our online ‘party supply’ store Dare to Party!  Our website is password protected so only people we vetted are allowed access.  When they go to check out they will be given the option to enter their address or pickup curbside.  If they choose curbside we’ll send them the party drop location and set up a time and date.  Upon arrival for pickup, they will send us a message to let us know they arrived with a quick description of their car’s make and color along with their confirmation code so we know what order we will be fulfilling.  To be double sure we are delivering to the correct vehicle, at the end of checkout the customer is given a password, for example… Glow Stick, which we’ll ask for before we hand over the goods.

HERA WYNN: (ANSWERING QUESTION) Where does our curbside service take place?  Well, (BLEEP) Mart’s parking lot.  Where else?  It’s kind of our way of saying fuck you to an inverted totalitarian feeding establishment.  Though we don’t support (BLEEP) Mart, (BLEEP) Mart unwittingly serves our needs one burnout at a time.

MORAPHINE: (BLEEP) Mart.  The home of sketchy people and shady deals.

HERA WYNN: We like to conduct business all the way at the end of the parking lot, which is the ideal place to score.(PAUSE FOR QUESTION) What makes it ideal?  Because security is lax.  ~There’s not a lot of eyes around since no one wants to hike it all the way to the store’s entrance and leave their car vulnerable for break-ins. Might as well leave your keys in the car with a note that says take me.  That’s why one of us always has to stick to the minivan.

BLEEP MART – PARKING LOT – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Pup, sit, stay.  Watch the minivan.  Good boy.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS.]

ALICE DEE: Do you think Pup will get bored all alone in there?

HERA WYNN: He’s a big boy, he can handle himself. 

MORAPHINE: I left him a treat on the console, it should take him a while to get through it.

HERA WYNN: You remembered to leave the windows partially down so he doesn’t stink up the van, right?

MORAPHINE: Of course. 

ALICE DEE: I’m so glad we got him.

HERA WYNN: I know, me too.

MORAPHINE: Totally.

ALICE DEE: Look, guys!  The mountain’s out!

MORAPHINE: Remember, when we first moved here and it was so cloudy that the first two months we had no idea Mount Rainier even existed?

HERA WYNN: I know, it, like, really popped out of nowhere.

ALICE DEE: How pretty!  It makes for a lovely afternoon.

MORAPHINE: Yeah. 

HERA WYNN: Okay, time to work ladies.  I’ll handle the first and second orders.  Moraphine, you get the third, they only ordered an ounce of Kratom so see if you can expand their wallets.

MORAPHINE: You know it.

HERA WYNN: Alice, how about you deliver the fourth order.  Alice Dee, stop staring at your reflection in that car you look like you’re attempting to carjack.

ALICE DEE: The little sticker is right, the mountain does appear closer in the side mirror. 

HERA WYNN: Alice, if you’re going to spend that much time staring into a mirror you could at least fix your hair.

MORAPHINE: Maybe, we should all flip our hair a little, you know, to really sell the party girl look.

HERA WYNN: Good thinking. 

[MORAPHINE AND HERA FLIP THEIR HAIR.] 

MORAPHINE: Am I Good?

HERA WYNN: Yeah, me?

[THUMP!]

HERA WYNN: Alice!  Are you alright?

MORAPHINE: Are you okay?  What happened? 

ALICE DEE: Ow!

HERA WYNN: Why the fuck would you flip your hair so close to a car?!

MORAPHINE: Damn, Alice, you can’t afford another concussion.  You just recovered from the last one.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: A few months ago she got a concussion while we were pulling the recycling bin to the curb. 

THE STONETTES CRIB – DAY

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN AND BIRDS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Ugh! The recycling won’t fit all the vodka bottles.  Alice, we’re going to need you to climb into the recycling bin.  Moraphine and I will hold it steady while you jump up and down to try to compress the take-out boxes and beer cans.

ALICE DEE: Why me?

HERA WYNN: Uh, because last week I jumped into the garbage bin and got garbage juice in my shoes.

ALICE DEE: Why can’t Moraphine do it?

MORAPHINE: Because next time’s my turn to jump in the garbage.  Besides, I just finished a doobie and I shouldn’t be operating while inhibited.

ALICE DEE: Guess that’s logical.

[SOUND OF CLIMBING INTO THE BIN AND JUMPING ON VARIOUS BOTTLES AND PLASTICS.]

ALICE DEE: Oh, hey look!  It’s that dude you guys like, the one who bikes in his short shorts he’s crossing the overhead bridge.  I think he might be taking the bike path down through the cul-de-sac.

MORAPHINE: Where?  I don’t see him.  Oh, wait, I see him.  Thank god, he doesn’t know he’s supposed to be wearing leggings under those shorts.

HERA WYNN: Ssh!  Here he comes down the bike path, act cool.

HERA WYNN/MORAPHINE: Heeyyy.

[SOUND OF JUMPING.]

[DING! DING! SOUND OF BIKE PASSING. ]

ALICE DEE: Wait!  You let go of the…!

[CRASH! THUMP!]

[ALICE WHIMPERS AND MOANS.]

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: I blame the bi-weekly recycling pickup otherwise we wouldn’t have to jump into the bin to get all of our recyclables to fit.

BLEEP MART – PARKING LOT – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Ow!  My head!

MORAPHINE: Were your pupils dilated this much before?

ALICE DEE: My what?  Ow!  

MORAPHINE: Wow, you really put a dent in that car’s hood.  (BREAKTHROUGH) You have a hard head!

HERA WYNN: Nobody saw, it’s not that big of a dent, let’s just walk away.

MORAPHINE: Hera, I think Alice should probably sit this one out.

HERA WYNN: I think you’re right, Mora.  Alice, I feel like you should go hang with Pup in the mini for a bit.

ALICE DEE: (PAINED) No, no.  This is no more dis-con-fusing than when I’m on one of my free trips.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: What’s a free trip?  It’s when you’re not on acid but you get to relive the experience in what we call in the drug world a ‘free trip.’

BLEEP MART – PARKING LOT – DAY

[LIGHT RAIN AND BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUOUS.]

ALICE DEE: Don’t worry you guys, I can handle a headache.  (GROAN) It doesn’t even hurt that much anymore. 

MORAPHINE: Well… I guess there’s not any blood.

HERA WYNN: She’s not slurring.

MORAPHINE: I think she could walk it off.

ALICE DEE: Yes, yes.  I’m fine.  Just go.

MORAPHINE: Okay, catch you in a bit.

HERA WYNN: Alice Dee, it’s fine if you maybe wanna take a walk around.  You know, maybe scout out some new customers.  Moraphine and I could handle the deliveries. 

ALICE DEE: I’m good, Hera.  You just tell me who I’m delivering to. 

HERA WYNN: Okay.  Alice Dee, you’re going to be looking for a Gray Subaru with a blue/green/gray Seahawks sticker.  Repeat back to me what you’re looking for so I know that you’re not concussed.

ALICE DEE: A gray Subaru.

HERA WYNN: With a…?

ALICE DEE: Blue/green sports sticker.

HERA WYNN: Perfect.  Now go.  Why are you still standing there?

ALICE DEE: I’m waiting for you to tell me which order I’ll be fulfilling.

HERA WYNN: I already told you, the fourth one.  ~As per usual you will find the baggie with the corresponding order number, number four in your hip bag.  If you forget the order again just pull it up on your phone.  Oh, and don’t forget to ask them for the password. 

ALICE DEE: The password…?  Oh, okay, yeah, I-I remember!

ALICE DEE: (SINGING TO HERSELF) I’m looking for a Gray Subaru.  Gray Subaru, Gray Subaru-Subaru-Subaru!  I live in a yellow Subaru!  A yellow Subaru-Subaru-Subaru-Subaru.  (SPOTTING) A yellow Subaru!  With a green/blue/black Sounder’s sticker!

ALICE DEE: Hey, girl!  

RANDOM PERSON: Hey, girl?! 

[BAG UNZIPPING… ORDER IS GRABBED… BAG ZIPS CLOSED.]

ALICE DEE: Here’s the goodies, enjoy!

[SOUND OF BAG RUSTING AS IT IS HANDED OVER.]

RANDOM PERSON: Goodies?  (SOUND OF BAG RUSTLING…) Lit!

ALICE DEE: Oh!  Thanks for remembering the password.  Have a good one!  Oh, and don’t forget: Dare to Partay!

RANDOM PERSON: I sure will!

[ALICE HUMS HER YELLOW SUBARU DITTY AS SHE HEADS BACK TO HERA.]

ALICE DEE: Oh, hey, Hera Wynn! 

HERA WYNN: Hey, Alice Dee that was quick.  I’m surprised you found the vehicle so easily.  That was a common make and color. Sooo, you remembered to ask for the password?

ALICE DEE: Didn’t have to, she told me lit!

HERA WYNN: Good. 

ALICE DEE: Oh, hey, Moraphine!

MORAPHINE: Guys!  You’ll never believe–! 

HERA WYNN: Wait, Alice Dee!  Run that by me again?

ALICE DEE: Run what?

HERA WYNN: The password.

ALICE DEE: Lit.

HERA WYNN: (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) Nooo!

MORAPHINE: Uh… that’s not the password.  Remember, you suggested it and we said no because ‘lit’ was too easy to guess.  

ALICE DEE: That conversation doesn’t sound familiar at all.

MORAPHINE: Okay, remember yesterday when Hera suggested we should get old-school-styled garlic knots to go with our pizza and then you said lit and than you said lit would make a great password and then I said–

HERA WYNN: Alice, you at least made sure you gave it to the right person?

ALICE DEE: Yeah, to the girl with the green/blue/black Sounder sticker in the yellow Subaru.  I even made up a song to remember: Yellow Subaru, yellow Subaru, yellow Suba-ru. Suba-ru. Suba-ru!

HERA WYNN: Alice, you got everything wrong!  It was a freaking gray Subaru with a blue/green/gray Seahawks sticker not a green/blue/black Sounder sticker!

ALICE DEE: I’m not hearing a difference. 

MORAPHINE: She wasn’t completely wrong, Hera Wynn, it was a Subaru and in her defense, we’re not into basketball.

HERA WYNN: Football!  It’s a football team!

MORAPHINE: No need to get all politically correct, Hera Wynn.  

HERA WYNN: Take me to her, Alice!

MORAPHINE: Wait, Alice Dee, is that the yellow Subaru that’s taking off?

[SOUND OF CAR DRIVING OFF.]

ALICE DEE: Umm…? 

HERA WYNN: Not only are we losing sales, but now we’re giving shit away for free!  

ALICE DEE: I’m sorry, Hera!  I thought I could handle it.  (HOPEFUL) Look on the bright side, we might have made a new customer!

HERA WYNN: (TALKING IN GENERAL) How?

ALICE DEE: I told her ‘Dare to Partay!’

HERA WYNN: No, how could you have let this happen, Alice Dee?!  (UPSET) You said you were fine! 

MORAPHINE: I feel like Alice Dee already explained that part. 

HERA WYNN: Do I have to take care of everything myself?!  Useless idiots!  I swear to god!

MORAPHINE: If I’m such a useless idiot then I guess I’ll just keep my new useless information which is indeed useful to myself.

HERA WYNN: You go ahead and do that, Moraphine.  

ALICE DEE: I’m sorry, Hera Wynn!  

HERA WYNN: You two, do what you want, I’m going to go out there and actually sell drugs.  Not just give them away.  

ALICE DEE: Oh, man, she’s really pissed.

MORAPHINE: Come on, Alice Dee, forget her.  She can cover the next couple of transactions.  I know what will cheer you up.  I heard there’s a good (BLEEP) Mart fight about to go down in the south parking lot.

INTERVIEW

MORAPHINE: What’s a (BLEEP) Mart fight?  Are you kidding me?!  (BLEEP) Mart fights are awesome, man!  You got bar fights, you got street fights, and then you got (BLEEP) Mart fights.  There better than pay-per-view!

HERA WYNN: What qualifies a fight as a (BLEEP) Mart fight?  Listen, if you’re left feeling slightly embarrassed, totally disgusted for humanity, yet thoroughly entertained after watching a beat down in a (BLEEP) Mart parking lot then you just witnessed a (BLEEP)Mart fight. People fight over the stupidest possible things imaginable.

ALICE DEE: And pretty much anything goes.  This one time we saw this thirty-something mom of four totally stripped down to her waist with a baby attached to her boob getting Instad from some pervy man child a spot over.  Little did he know she’s a good multitasker.  The second she saw him she whipped out a big bag of Halloween candy from her cart with her free hand and started clobbering the pervy man child with the bag until it cracked open like a Piñata.  I even caught a Kit-Kat down my bra.  Hands down it was the sweetest fight I’d ever seen.

HERA WYNN: Have we ever been in a (BLEEP)Mart fight?  (AMUSED) Uh, no, no, no.  We don’t partake in (BLEEP)Mart fights.  To put it this way, we’d hate to be ‘those girls’ who got pinched for getting ‘stabby’ at a fucking (BLEEP)Mart.  We just love to watch them.

BLEEP MART – SOUTH PARKING LOT – DAY

[SOUND OF SEAGULLS, RAIN, SHOPPING CARTS AND CARS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Guys!  Where the fuck were you?  I called you both!

MORAPHINE: I thought it’d be obvious that we were by the van.

HERA WYNN: You. Moved It.

ALICE DEE: Sorry, Hera Wynn, we turned off our phones because the show’s about to start. 

HERA WYNN: We’re not in a fucking movie theater we’re in a fucking sketchy parking lot which you just made me hike across!  Next time, keep your phones on.

ALICE DEE: Calm down, Hera, it’s mid-afternoon.  We don’t have to worry about the real weirdos coming out until late afternoon. 

HERA WYNN: Says you!  ~Some creeper just asked me if I could help him load a mini fridge into his fucking camper!  A mini-fridge!

MORAPHINE: Dude, I’m not seeing what’s so creepy about that?

ALICE DEE: Yeah, some mini-fridges can be pretty heavy.

HERA WYNN: He didn’t seem to have a problem carrying the fridge when he approached me and asked if I could help him load it into the back of his camper by going in first so he could hand it to me.

MORAPHINE: Okay, yeah… that is creepy.

ALICE DEE: Glad you didn’t do that.

HERA WYNN: So am I. 

MORAPHINE: Sorry, Hera, I would have texted you our location but I thought all my information was useless.

[HERA WYNN GROWLS IN ANGER.]

ALICE DEE: Hey, wait, why are you back so early anyway?  I thought you had business to attend? 

HERA WYNN: The last two orders were canceled and one of them was a no-show so I expect they’ll cancel later. 

ALICE DEE: Huh?  I wonder why that’s happening?

MORAPHINE: Ssh!  The fight’s starting.

[SOUND OF CATS FIGHTING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: Cat Fight! Bitchen! What did I miss?

ALICE DEE: Well, they were yelling at each other from across the way for a while now but they have been slowly closing the distance.

HERA WYNN: They’re close enough to throw down now.

[CATS HEARD YOWLING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: My money is on Madam Bathrobe since she has a cart.

ALICE DEE: What about Eco Girl?  She can use her recyclable grocery bag to beat down Madam Bathrobe.

MORAPHINE: Yeah, but Madam Bathrobe has a cart and she can use it as a battering ram.

HERA WYNN: Plus her carts full so she has more weapons to choose from.

MORAPHINE: Right?

HERA WYNN: So, what’s the fight about?

ALICE DEE: Do we care?

HERA WYNN: No. 

MORAPHINE: Oh, oh!  Looks like the Eco Girl is going for something in her her bag.

ALICE DEE: See?  She also has weapons to choose from.

HERA WYNN: Oh! Looks like Madam Bathrobe is arming herself too.  She’s grabbing a container of those nasty ass sugar cookies, oh no, she’s putting it aside for later.

ALICE DEE: Uh oh, Eco girl is slipping out a carton of farm fresh eggs from her bag.  She’s opening the carton.

[IN THE BACKGROUND A WOMAN IS HEARD GRUNTING AS SHE THROWS EGGS.  SPLAT!]

HERA WYNN: Madam Bathrobe sure is taking her sweet time to organize her cart.  What is that?  Like the sixth box of cheap wine she’s put aside?

MORAPHINE: Oh my God!  Madam Bathrobe!  Could you be more anticlimactic?!

[GRUNT. SPLAT!]

ALICE DEE: Yay!  My person’s winning.

MORAPHINE: Good thing, we didn’t put money down on this.

HERA WYNN: I don’t know who started this fight but at this point, Madam Bathrobe deserves to get pelted by eggs.

MORAPHINE: I’m embarrassed for you, Madam!

[GRUNT. SPLAT! GROWL.]

ALICE DEE: Aww!  How lame.  Eco girl can’t aim worth shit.

MORAPHINE: (LAUGHING) Nevermind, I take that back.

HERA WYNN: Check it!  Madam Bathrobe has moved out of firing range and she’s opening a box of… Oh!  She has a box of granola bars. The only thing she could stand to lose.

[WE HEAR BOTH WOMEN GRUNTING AS THEY CONTINUE TO THROW EGGS/GRANOLA BARS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Ha, look at Madam Bathrobe!  She can throw!  Yes!

[ANGRY BREATHING TURNS TO GROWLING.]

ALICE DEE: Eco Girl is moving in… Oh, damn!  She actually egged her!  Eco girl egged her!  Did you see that you guys?  Madam Bathrobe took an egg to the boob.  That’s gotta hurt!

[ANGRY GROWLING TURNS INTO AN ANIMALISTIC YOWL.]

MORAPHINE: Shit!  Eco Girl’s out of eggs and Madam bathrobes looking pissed…

[WE HEAR THE BOX OF GRANOLA BARS HIT THE GROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Madam’s thrown down the box of granolas.

ALICE DEE: Eco Girl’s reaching back into her bag…

MORAPHINE: Cart’s back in play, Eco Girl better watch out. 

ALICE DEE: Eco Girl’s pulling out an eggplant?!  What kind of weapon is that?   

[WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A SHOPPING CART PICKING UP SPEED.]

HERA WYNN: Madam Bathrobe is making a run at her!  Madam’s going to ram her with the cart!  Do you think Eco Girl is going to be able to get out of the–?

MORAPHINE: Madam Bathrobe overshot!  Nooo!

[THE SOUND OF A SMACK AND A GROAN.]

HERA/ALICE/MORA: Ohhhh!

MORAPHINE: Did you see that!  Eco girl just clubbed her in the face with the Eggplant!  She’s beating her down!

[GRUNTING AND WHACKING CONTINUOUS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ALICE DEE: Beat her! Beat her ass!

HERA WYNN: Damn, we should have brought some popcorn.  We got ourselves a good one.

MORAPHINE: Way ahead of you, I sent Pup out on a snack run.  Anyway, he should be back any minute with the goods.  Looking pretty useful now, huh, Hera?

INTERVIEW

HERA WYNN: W-w-wait.  You thought Pup was our dog?  What kind of asshole leaves their dog in the car in a sketchy parking lot?  Phsh.  (MOMENT OF THOUGHT) Oh, I guess I can see how you made that mistake.

MORAPHINE: No, Pup’s our Groupie-in-training since he hasn’t exactly been house trained in a matter of speaking.  He was Dig-Doug’s little friend and then he started following us around, always eager to serve which is why us Top Bitches decided on a consensus to give him a shot at learning the ins and outs of the drug biz.

ALICE DEE: So for now he’s like our unpaid intern.  Which basically means he’s our little bitch, which is why we call him Pup.

BLEEP MART – SOUTH PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

[LIGHT RAIN AND BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUOUS.]

HERA WYNN: Wait, you sent Pup on a snack run into (BLEEP) Mart?

MORAPHINE: Chillout, Hera.  I told Pup We’ll pay him when he gets back.  That way we’ll be lining his pockets and not the fat man’s.  

ALICE DEE: Oh, hey, there’s, Pup!

MORAPHINE: Hey, Pup, you got the goods.

PUP: Sure do. I got your three boxes of malt balls…

[SOUND OF MALT BALLS.]

MORAPHINE: (SIDE WHISPER WHILE PUP CONTINUOUS IN THE BACKGROUND) Alice, did he just pull my malt balls out from down his pants?

PUP: …Three Slurpees and three bags of freshly popped popcorn.

ALICE DEE: Glad I didn’t ask him for a Churro.

MORAPHINE: Whatever happened to using a grocery bag? 

PUP: No worries, Hera Wynn, I remembered that speech you gave me about not supporting Evil corps and I felt you, so I took a five-finger discount.

HERA WYNN: Not what I was getting at, but thanks.  And for future reference, I don’t ever want to hear, “I felt you and five-finger discount,” directed at me again, get me?

PUP: Heard that. So…

[CATS HEARD FIGHTING IN THE BACKGROUND CONTINUOUSLY.]

PUP:  What are they fighting about?

HERA WYNN: Does it matter?

PUP: True that.  So…

MORAPHINE: You want to know where the unattended cart is, huh?

ALICE DEE: Rolled somewhere down that way.

PUP: Sweet, free groceries.  Do you need anything else ladies?

HERA WYNN: Think you can discount me some tampons?

PUP: Umm… Okay.

HERA WYNN: (LIGHT LAUGH) I’m just fucking with you, you can go.

PUP: Cool, I’m gonna go grab me some free groceries and finish off the doobie ya’ll left me.  See ya!

[SOUND OF MALT BALL BOX.]

ALICE DEE: Aww, my malt balls are all melted.

MORAPHINE: Gross his body temp must have warmed them.

HERA WYNN: Stop complaining, they were free. 

ALICE DEE: Well, at least they were still in the box.

MORAPHINE: Don’t make me gag, Alice.

[THE WOMEN FIGHTING AND THEIR BLOWS LANDING CONTINUOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND.]

MORAPHINE: Oh, yes!  The fight has been taken to the ground!  Madam Bathrobe’s on top of Eco Lady and she’s beating her with her own eco-friendly bag.  Not so friendly now!

ALICE DEE: People are starting to step in.  I’m calling it.

HERA WYNN: Took long enough.  Time to go ladies. 

ALICE DEE: What luck!

PIER – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – DAY

[SOUND OF LIGHT RAIN, SEAGULLS AND AND LIGHT TRAFFIC IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HERA WYNN: What fucking luck!  Someone canceled on us again!  First yesterday afternoon and now this evening?  What the hell is happening?

ALICE DEE: Yeah, but, yesterday came before today so I think that should be expected.

HERA WYNN: Gee, Alice Dee, what a concept.

ALICE DEE: Oh, look, a fish just jumped out of the water!

HERA WYNN: (BRISK) Fascinating.  (BACK TO BUSINESS) Maybe we’re the victims of budget cuts?  But where did all the junkies go?! 

ALICE DEE: Cheah!  Talk about mixed-up priorities.  Look, there’s another one!

HERA WYNN: We are walking around the pier, there’s always fish!  And pay attention!  We need to get to the bottom of this. 

MORAPHINE: I don’t know.  Maybe we collected bad Karma somehow?

HERA WYNN: How?

ALICE DEE: Moraphine could have refrained from taking that one guy’s glasses after she kicked the crap out of him.

MORAPHINE: I didn’t know they were prescription at the time.  All I knew was they were cool, and they still are now that I popped the lenses out.  Plus, he grabbed my ass.  He’ll think twice next time.

ALICE DEE: Oh, yeah.

\MORAPHINE: Maybe, Alice Dee, it was the time we took the bus and you were standing next to that guy and he wouldn’t stop talking and he had really rank breath and you offered him a mint but you offered it from the wrong tin.  Which we found out later, while we were watching the news, remember, and it turns out he got all whacked out on ecstasy. And got arrested for walking up to random people in the park and touching them.

ALICE DEE: Okay, that could be why, but that was a total accident.  The universe is very understanding, Moraphine.  I should know, she talks to me all the time on my free trips.

HERA WYNN: But then again, it turned out he was already a registered sex offender so it was only a matter of time before he struck again.

MORAPHINE: True. 

ALICE DEE: What about when Hera…?

[PAUSE.]

HERA WYNN: Finish the sentence, Alice Dee.

ALICE DEE: I can’t, there’s too many to pick from. 

HERA WYNN: (PIQUED) Nice.  (BACK TO THE CONVO) Okay, but why are we paying anything?  We basically work on the side of Karma.  Nobody got served anything they didn’t already deserve.

MORAPHINE: You got a point there.  (COY) Hmm, I wonder what it could be…

ALICE DEE: Hey, look!  It’s the Bell-view girls!

HERA WYNN: Good eye, Alice.

INTERVIEW

ALICE DEE: Bellevue girls?  Oh… you mean to say the Bell-view girls.  ~You have to say the ‘vue’ part like you’re saying a fancy word and you must tilt your head up like you’re disgusted by everything and everyone because you have money.  It’s safe to say we hate them but we like love their money so they’re redeemable.  The Belle-view girls are a group of six to eight interchangeable superficial bitches who walk around like they have giant pine trees shoved up their asses.  Every once in a while they feel the need to come down from the city of Bell-view to grace us with their presence and snot up the place.

MORAPHINE: (PINCHING NOSE) And they always talk like this.  (SPEAKING NORMALlY) I swear to God, they all sound like the same person.  And talking with them is exhausting, though we only speak with the two main bitches Cherrie and Carrie while the rest of them hang in the back like a pack of squeaking mice with sinus issues.

HERA WYNN: ~But you know, those snobby bitches are always loaded and looking to score so we like to keep friendly.

PIER – DOWNTOWN OLYMPIA, WA – CONTINUED

[LIGHT RAIN AND BACKGROUND SOUNDS CONTINUOUS.]

HERA WYNN: Let’s head over.

ALICE DEE: Hopefully they are ready to Partay!  Hey, Bell-view, girls!

[CUE SOUND OF SQUEAKING MICE IN THE BACKGROUND.]

BELL-VIEW GIRLS: Huh?

ALICE DEE: I mean, Bellevue girls.

CHERRIE: (NASALLY IN UNISON) Like, Oh my God, it’s the Puget Sound Girls!

CARRIE: Like, it’s so good to see you.  Too bad we didn’t run in earlier.  We could have hanged.  But, like, now we have to go because we’re in a hurry.

CHERRIE: So, sad!  ~We’ll catch up next time.  Kay, byee!

ALICE DEE: What about your party fix?

CHERRIE: Actually… we’re already fixed up.  But maybe next time.  Kay, byee!

ALICE DEE: Fixed up?

HERA WYNN: By who?

MORAPHINE: (CASUALLY) Huh. 

CARRIE: This new guy offered us all a pretty girl discount.  Even Kathy.

KATHY: Huh?

CARRIE: No offense, girl. 

ALICE DEE: Pretty girl discount, I get those all the time.  Who did you say you bought from?

CHERRIE: We didn’t.

ALICE DEE: Do you remember what he looks like?

CARRIE: Not really.

HERA WYNN: Look, Cherrie.

CHERRIE: Yeah, girl?

HERA WYNN: Carrie.

CARRIE: Uh-huh?

HERA WYNN: I’m going to need you to put your pretty heads together and think really hard.  So I’m going to need you six in the back to shut it!

[BACKGROUND CHATTER ABRUPTLY STOPS.]

HERA WYNN: (SWEETLY) Thank you. 

CHERRIE: (WHINY) But, like I don’t remember!  

CARRIE: It’s too hard!  Thinking is giving me a headache! 

ALICE DEE: Was he cute?

CARRIE: Oh, God no.

CHERRIE: Total Fuggo.

CARRIE: He’s totes got the ugly. 

[MICE SQUEAKING IN THE BACKGROUND RESUMES.]

ALICE DEE: So you do remember.

CHERRIE: Oh, funny, I guess so.

CARRIE: Guy, acted like he was hot shit, but he wasn’t. 

HERA WYNN: So do you remember his name?

CARRIE: It was something stupid…

MORAPHINE: Like Big D?

CHERRIE: Big D?  Right, let’s be honest, he’s more like an A cup.

CARRIE: Totally.  Did you see the size of his hands?  

CHERRIE: Right?!  Kathy’s man hands are so much bigger.

KATHY: Bitches, you talking about me?

CARRIE: Bitch, you’re paranoid.  Excuse her. 

HERA WYNN: Hold up, that little prick is walking free?

CARRIE: I guess so. So like… are we done here…?

HERA WYNN: Yes. 

CHERRIE/CARRIE: Okay, byee!

HERA WYNN: Those cheap ass whores!  

ALICE DEE: I know!  What happened to customer loyalty?

HERA WYNN: I can’t believe they would spread their fingers to take just anyone’s joint!  (PAUSE) Wait a second, Moraphine, you seem awfully quiet for someone who’s gone ballistic in the past when finding out we lost a customer to a dispensary.  Why is it this time when you found out we are losing customers to some loser selling second-rate crap over our dank weed you’re suddenly very indifferent?  What gives?

MORAPHINE: I already knew there was another player.  Dig-Doug gave me a ring yesterday while we were doing curbside and informed me.

HERA WYNN: What?!  I asked you last night while you were brushing your teeth if you had any important updates and you answered me back with a mouth full of toothpaste ‘Mmmh’ ‘hmm’ and you’re telling me you were lying?  Why didn’t you tell us?!

MORAPHINE: I would have told you but I thought all my information is useless.

HERA WYNN: You’re letting us take a pay cut just so you could throw my words back at me!

MORAPHINE: Yes I did, and maybe next time you’ll watch who you call useless.

HERA WYNN: Fine!  I’m fucking sorry for calling you both useless, happy now?!

MORAPHINE: Elated.

ALICE DEE: You called me useless?  I don’t remember that?

MORAPHINE: Maybe, because you slammed your forehead into that car.

ALICE DEE: Oh, yeah.  I would have let that comment go, but I appreciate it.  While we’re apologizing, I’m sorry I called you a bitch.

HERA WYNN: Uhh.  You never called me a bitch, Alice Dee. 

ALICE DEE: Oh, maybe I said that to my inside voice.  Well, I’m sorry for thinking it.

HERA WYNN: Uh… apology not accepted.  Now, why is he out, Moraphine?

MORAPHINE: Got off for good behavior.

HERA WYNN: (SHOUTING) Fucking, Carl!

[THEME SONG PLAYS US OUT AS…]

[OUTRO]