Episode 0

Episode 0


Hera Wynn …… Marité Price

Alice Dee ……Taís Price

Moraphine …… Sheníe Price

Umbrella Man …… Who F-ing Cares?



MORAPHINE God, does it ever stop raining here?! HERA WYNN Right?! I know we live in Olympia but come on! (quickly) Alice, pole! ALICE DEE I saw it, I saw it. HERA WYNN Alice Dee, that is the second time I have had to steer you away from a pole tonight. Let’s not go for a third. MORAPHINE Hey, guys … ALICE DEE Sorry, Hera Wynn, the buildings are trying to show me something in their windows. HERA WYNN You mean like in the store window displays? MORAPHINE Guys … ALICE DEE No, they’re trying to tell me something. HERA WYNN Alice Dee, what have I told you to do when you’re on one of your free trips? ALICE DEE (sigh) Ignore the inanimate objects talking to me. MORAPHINE Guys! HERA WYNN Yes, we ignore them, because Lucy and Sky are not your friends when they distract you from noticing cars or poles. Especially when it’s dark and we’re walking downtown. MORAPHINE Hey, Hera, Alice! HERA WYNN What? ALICE DEE What? HERA WYNN What is it, Moraphine? MORAPHINE Maybe it’s the weed making me paranoid but I think we’re being followed. HERA WYNN What? ALICE DEE (remembrance snap) That’s what the windows were trying to show me. HERA WYNN Who’s following us, Moraphine? MORAPHINE The scrawny dude with the umbrella. ALICE DEE He’s definitely not from around here, Washingtonians never carry around an umbrella. MORAPHINE I know right? I clocked him about two blocks back or was it three? I can’t be sure, I’ve been having time skips. (sudden outburst) Whoa! Wait?! When did we get over on 5th street? I thought we were on 4th street, unless we’ve been on 5th the whole time? HERA WYNN And your just sharing this with us now? MORAPHINE Dude, man, I like smoked a shit ton of weed before I left home. It just now registered to me. HERA WYNN Whatever. What do you think he wants? ALICE DEE Hold on, let me consult this store window. (to the window) Hello, Madam, do you know what he wants? MORAPHINE He doesn’t look like a creeper, but that’s what a creeper would want us to think. HERA WYNN (repeated hand chops) Alice Dee, stop staring at your reflection in the store window panes and wake up! ALICE DEE I am awake. MORAPHINE What’s your High Self telling you, Alice Dee? ALICE DEE I was shown– HERA WYNN Moraphine, do not encourage her. MORAPHINE Well, don’t discourage her, Hera. HERA WYNN Keep it up, Mora, and your going on my shit list. MORAPHINE Too late, Hera, I already made it onto your shit list yesterday. Alice, continue. ALICE DEE Thank you, Moraphine. I was shown the letter D in the window. MORAPHINE D as in DEA agent? ALICE DEE Yeah, that could be it! HERA WYNN (instructing) Both of you, shut up and turn into this alley.


MORAPHINE We’re going to get so busted! He’s going to smell the weed wafting off of me! HERA WYNN Oh my God, Mora, would you shut up?! We live in freaking Olympia! Everyone smokes weed here. Now both of you, get behind the dumpster. MORAPHINE I’m not even wearing a bra you guys! Where am I supposed to stash my ‘party supplies’?! ALICE DEE Quick, start stashing it into my bra. MORAPHINE Thanks, man. HERA WYNN He’s not DEA, if he was he would have ditched the umbrella to blend in better. ALICE DEE Shh! He’s coming! HERA WYNN Okay, on the count of three we’re going to jump him. One, two, three–!


HERA WYNN Your ass is mine now, fuck face! (handing out orders) Alice, take his umbrella. ALICE DEE I’ll take this, thank you. MORAPHINE Who are you, dude, and why are you harassing me and my sisters? ALICE DEE And what’s with the umbrella? HERA WYNN Ignore that last question. What I want to know is who are you and why were you following us? For your sake, and the sake of your future spawn– Knives CLICK OPEN in succession. HERA WYNN –the answer better not be pervey. Don’t look at my knife, look at me! ALICE DEE (pause) Are we drug dealers? What are you a cop? Oh, shit! Are you a cop? (unsure) So, your not a cop? MORAPHINE Maybe he is a cop, but he’s lying because he’s under cover and wants to sting us. ALICE DEE Should we plead the fifth? I plead the fifth. Guys, say you plead the fifth. MORAPHINE I plead the fifth! HERA WYNN So, let me reword the question. Do you work for any law enforcement agency federal or state? No? ALICE DEE You heard him ladies, he’s not a cop. Just some creep on his nighttime prowl. MORAPHINE Maybe we should call the Groupies so they can come and take him for a ride. ALICE DEE Answer honestly, and we’ll tell them to be gentle. HERA WYNN Fuck that, we’ll fuck him up right here. Who sent you? Was it Carl? ALICE DEE You might know him as Big D. MORAPHINE (laughing) Although, we all know he has a little D. (pause) Dick. He has a small Dick. HERA WYNN I think he gets it, Moraphine. MORAPHINE Well, I didn’t hear him respond. HERA WYNN Are you seriously smiling right now, mother fucker? Do you have a death wish or something? Speak! MORAPHINE A documentarist? Your documenting what? ALICE DEE Drug dealers? HERA WYNN And you’re following us, why? MORAPHINE You want to do a documentary podcast on lady drug dealers?! On who? On us? ALICE DEE (sudden dawning) I was right, documentaries start with a D! MORAPHINE Whoa! HERA WYNN Alice not now! (second of thought) And you were standing in front of the children store right in front of the alphabet display. MORAPHINE Hold up? Who said we were drug dealers? ALICE DEE Word on the street is that we’re badass lady drug dealers? Someone wrote on the street that we’re drug dealers? What street is that? We’re going to have to wash that off! HERA WYNN No, Alice Dee, that’s not what… you know what, nevermind. So, Mister Documentarist, do you have any credentials to prove you are who you say you are? Good. Give me your phone and your wallet. Ooh, nice wallet! Lets see what you have in here. (gasp) A couple of Franklins and a Jackson. Do you mind if I …? (sound of cash being removed) I’m just going to hold on to the Franklins but you can keep the Jackson. (instructing) Moraphine, here’s his ID, Google him. MORAPHINE I’m a little high right now, so bare with me. It might take a minute. HERA WYNN Alice, you check his phone. ALICE DEE On it! HERA WYNN (back to the documentarian) You better hope you check out. ALICE DEE Whoa! There’s like dozens of photos of us on here. You’ve been following us for weeks? HERA WYNN (mad) What? ALICE DEE Here we are in Seattle, here we are in Portland. (gasp, then to Hera) I told you I saw someone taking our picture and you said I was tripping. HERA WYNN (forced calm) Alice, wipe the phone. MORAPHINE Dude, I’m not finding him anywhere, man. (taunting) Not looking to good for you, bro. HERA WYNN (dangerously) Do you what happens to people who cross drug dealers? Right. You don’t know because the bodies are never found. ALICE DEE That’s because they go into the Sound. The Puget Sound! MORAPHINE My mistake, I spelled his name wrong. Dude, checks out. ALICE DEE (excited) So wait?! Does that mean we’re going to be in a documentary?! MORAPHINE Right on! Hera? HERA WYNN Do we get paid? (beat) Yes? Then I guess your going to get your documentary after all. You got a title? (pause) The Dealerettes? Hmm…we’re going to need you to work on that. MORAPHINE I know, I know! What about (dramatic) ‘The Stonettes.’ HERA WYNN I like it. (threatening) How about you doc boy, do you like it? He likes it. ALICE DEE (ecstatic) Perfect! I can hear it now!

The Rain fades out as the surrounding noises from the streets of Downtown Olympia begins to form a THEME SONG in ALICE DEE’S HEAD as she announces:

ALICE DEE ‘The Stonettes’ a podcast! Coming soon to you, anywhere podcasts are available!

Theme Song Plays Us Out.

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